Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 6/13/2006

Question
Me and  my partner are 40 years old. We see each other once/twice a week, but this changes if he suddenly if we fall out. He used to be very loving and caring, used to text me a lot too much infact, then we had a small misunderstanding last year and broke up. I was heartbroken.

After 2-3 months after constant emails, coming over uninvited wanting to help me in the garden , do bits of DIY for me, he asked me out again. As I really loved him I took him back. Things seemed to be going okay then he suddenly had to have the friend (former Alcoholic) move in which lasted a year, so the relationship suffered.

I cant talk to him face to face if we have a problem .If I try he becomes defensive and moody. My friends are now concerned that I am losing my self esteem, and I am now in a mentally abusive relationship.

3 members of my family died in the space of 5 months including my father and I have been so stressed. My partner wasn’t supportive on this and refused to go to the funeral with me to support me. He hasn’t ever met my family as I have invited him but every time I mentioned it he said he couldnt deal with meeting such a big family (yet he’s a teacher which makes me think this is just an excuse).

He obviously finds emotions hard to deal with but I am not sure I can handle any more. He had the friend move back in with him. I didn’t get to hear about it from him but from the work colleague himself at a works do. I was so annoyed that he had not told me personally himself in private and this really upset me. I have now since found out it was only for the one night.

Because he doesn’t like to talk on the phone or is difficult in person I sent him an email. I stated I was so confused over where this relationship was going as he keeps things from me.He hasn’t ever stated he loves me only once via a text on my mobile. Although we have been together 2 years we have not ever been together on holiday together or a weekend away which I think is very odd. I wanted to know from him if its casual then fine but I want an answer.

He didnt speak to call/email for 5 days and then when I mentioned this he went mad on the phone. He stated he was not prepared to discuss such important things on the phone or by email, and this would have to be discussed in person. If I send him emails like that I should bare the consequences of my actions.
A few days later we saw each other and he said he still doesn’t know what that email was all about and he wasn’t going to discuss it.

He then invited me to meet his family, which was a big deal but then decided to wind me up for 2 weeks before saying that his family were strictly religious and I must not show any cleavage and I am not allowed to drink alcohol. It took 4 hours to drive there in my car, and when I got there he gave me false names to his parents. His father I met and thought he was very rude and he basically said while I was coming down the stairs ‘whos is that pile of shit on the driveway?’ (meaning my car) . Anyway to cut a long story short, I think he gets a lot of his behaviour from his dad. Yet his mum was lovely and his family loved me to bits. When I went to my car to drive home with my partner he stated I was fat in front of all his family. I laughed it off and said well It’s a long walk home for you if you carry on (but I was deeply hurt by this comment).

Recently after being nice to me helping me in the flat, he is behaving odd again. I went to his flat and although he is the most sensual lover I have ever had, he crossed that boundary and although I was upset he has made no attempt to apologise for his behaviour. I was in the bath and he got up and instead of asking me to come back to the bedroom with him because he was in the mood, he walked in when I am sat in the bath and started to masturbate in my face. I was so shocked and disgusted I told him to stop it and get out. After he looked down at me and grinned he released I meant it and left the bathroom. His only comment was the look on your face but made no attempt to say sorry.

He invited me out twice but I declined and when we did meet up and I tried to discuss it again as I wanted to clear the air, he again wouldn’t talk. I said I don’t know your reasons but maybe you thought I would find it funny, he snapped my head off and said lets face it you don’t find anything funny anymore. I said yes I have been stressed but that not the issue the issue is you did something to me that I felt degraded and now all you can say is I am the one at fault. He continued to sulk and said there was nothing to discuss so I said if your not going to talk about this then its best you go home, I think your being very nasty and I don’t like you right now.

I am now thinking of calling it a day, but I do really love this man but I am thinking I should really just break this off, but its so hard for me. I just want to try to understand why he treats me this way.  Please help me.


Answer
Dear Rose:

Run, don't walk, away from this man. He is emotionally, physically, mentally abusing you. You have to ask yourself why do you love someone that treats you so badly? I think you definitely have self esteem issues that need help and he taking whatever self esteem you have from you. Why does he act this way? He probably learned it from his parents, and confuses these actions for love. He is a sick man and you need to get away from him. No contact, no emails, no telephone messages, get away from him!