Expert: Azure - 7/9/2006

Question
I was just in a 8 Year relationship, I was her first real boyfriend(and lover) and saw her through College and Medical school. We had our ups and downs, but we were always the best of friends and wouldn't think twice about being up till 5:00 in the morning laughing ourselves to sleep or making love by the fire. We matched and filled eachother in every way emotionaly and sexualy. She was the one and, she constantly made long term plans for us, We even had gone ring shopping a month prior to the breakup.    
    Then she started her residency. Within a week of the move she changed and became abusive when she talked, and silent and secretive in between(Unlike her in all the time I have known her). I kept getting the "you couldn't understand", when I asked what was the matter. Then one day I came home to find her lounging with another doctor in her pajamas when she was supposed to be at a function. That is when she laid it upon me. She didn't find me attractive anymore(even though I'm in better shape since we met), and her and this guy had feelings for eachother, but swore to me that nothing had happend between the two of them yet to keep things professional. It might not be sexual, but she still cheated on me in her heart.
   She ended the realtionship and blammed it on the fact she stopped wanting me sexualy as of late. She swore our sex was great, but she had nothing else to compare it to.
   Typicaly this is when a realtionship should have its' curtain call, but she won't leave me alone. She calls 3 to 5 times a day. I tried ignoring her, and she kept hounding the people at my hospital to put me on the phone. When we talk it ranges from acting like nothing happened and talking about the trivial things of the day, to outward hostility and silence. She also has a habit of once she gets me on the phone going over to another caller, makes up an errand and tells me she will call right back. Then calls the following day 5+ times.
   I need to get away from her to mourn this realtionship to move on. I haven't slept well in weeks, and I am showing the classic DSM signs of depression. I think she is feeding this with her attempt to keep me in her life. However, I am a nice guy and can't just can't cut her loose. This also hinges on the fact she says they only reson she left was because she feels that all relationships should be as passionate today as the day it was started. What is going on here? I would be lying if I said I didn't want her anymore, but when I distance myself from her she goes back to being as if nothing happened, and I fall into the trap of her manipulations over and over again. What did I do to this woman to deserve this? Is she using the whole passion thing as a copout? Will I ever be able to rest assured that this relationship is truly over? Why is there this need to control me when she has obviously set my aside to fulfill her needs? I really am falling to pieces over this any help is much appreciated.

Answer
as the animal trainer learns, it's never about the animal; it's your helplessly hoping, not the nice guy thing, that keeps you taking her calls; you can continue to let her jerk you around, or you can tell her that her calling, and your picking up, is preventing you from moving on..you, not her, operate the control switch on your life--you just need to use it..