Expert: Azure - 3/7/2006

Question
Hello. I have been in a relationship for almost two years. Things were wonderful at first. Well, our sex life was amazing. It was the first time I had ever had sex, and wow. Well, my concern is, my boyfriend downloads and watches pornography. At first it didn't bother me. I figure it's normal, because even I enjoy it sometimes. Well, when I first met him, he had a bunch of downloads on his computer. He had quite a bit. It didn't bother me. But now, he had over 500 full length movies, various clips, hours and hours worth of sexual encounters, just a whole bunch of stuff. Even as I speak he's downloading more porn. Our sex life is suffering. He's driven to download, to buy movies (he blew $150 that needed to go else where), to watch it and masterbate. He hardly ever touches me anymore, and most of the time he can't come when we do have sex. In fact, he insisted I go on the Pill because he said the condoms caused him to lose sensation. His porn downloading has been taken too far. I feel so insecure about myself. I feel like when we make love that he's thinking of the girls from the pornos and that's the reason he can't come with me because it's me and not a porn star. Is it right of me to feel insecure? I know it's probably none of my business what he does because everyone needs to masterbate and needs privacy, but it's effecting me mentally, our sex life, and my over all self-esteem. How do I explain to him how it makes me feel when he downloads? I've tried and he laughs it off or gets angry and tells me it's his computer, or that he still loves me and he does just to see what all's out there. He's also constantly telling me how "hot" every other woman is but me, and when I go to sleep before him, I've pretended to be asleep several times and he was jerking off. He does it all of the time. He will wake me up in the middle of the night by turning the computer on and jerk off. What should I do? I'm so confused, I feel so insecure. Is his downloading an addiction or an obsession? Why does he do it even though he knows it hurts me? Any advice would be helpful.  

Answer
addiction, obsession, or whatever you want to call it, he's essentially ruined the relationship, deciding the porn is FAR more important than you; unless you stop allowing this abuse to continue, you will remain in a most unhappy life of quiet desperation; since expressing your feelings to him hasn't helped, the next step is CONSEQUENCES; inform him that this has all got to STOP immediately, and either ALL the porn goes, or YOU go; next, inform him that he needs to focus on making the sex MUTUALLY enjoyable, in order for the relationship to continue; continue down the list of your REQUIREMENTS; sometimes you have to risk EVERYTHING to gain something; chances are he won't be changing, but once you realize it and leave, he'll have done you a favor;  don't let your insecurities ruin your life; you deserve more than this jerk is offering; give him a week to think about it; don't see/talk to him until the week is over--he needs to know you mean business; if he chooses theporn over you, you'll hopefully realize how little he cared, and leave for good..