Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/10/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello:

I don't really even know where to begin.  My daughter is 20 and due in May.  She has been in a relationship with an abuser age 19(which she says is the baby's father) for a little over a year.  She live with him and his parents.  He is very quick tempered, controlling etc.  Everything that an abuser is.  He tries to distance her from family and doesn't let her have any friends.  He has got her into so much debt.  He cost her a job that she had for about 4 years that she loved.  He ran up her 1st cell phone to $700 and she ended up selling a car to pay for it.  She got another cell phone and it was cut off at $500.  She wasn't allowed to use either phone.  They were for him to keep up with her.  She bought another car several months ago in which she was able to finance.  She was never allowed to drive it.  There was no insurance and no payments made on it in the past 3 months.  He wrecked the car and took out stereo, hub caps etc. that was worth anything and then it was repo'd.  He finally got a job a couple of months ago and every penny that he makes goes for him.  Needless to say, he and I have had it out several times.  She always sides with him.  She was in the hospital in Dec. for about a week due to complications.  The night she got out, he cussed her, screamed at her and accused her of having someone in the bed with her.  I could hear it all over the phone.  She stayed with me a few nights until she got better.  She is now anemic and is on iron pills which she refuses to take.  She never took prenatal vitamins.  They told her that her iron was so low that during birth she will be at risk for transfusion and she doesn't care.  Over the past few months, I have picked her up at his house every morning (always parking in the street)and taking her home everyday by 4:00 so she wouldn't get cussed out.  I take her everywhere she needs to go, and just to get her out of the house for a while.  He calls my cell phone to check on her constantly.  He has called my phone (home and cell) almost all day.  I have blocked all numbers that I can, but he will call from cell phones and pay phones and of course those can't be blocked.  It isn't as much since he went to work, but now he has people following me and watching my house to see when I leave, so he can keep up with her.  He isn't allowed at any of our homes.  I had her a shower last month and she had to make pictures of everyone together so he would know that she had a shower.  All of her shower stuff is still in boxes at my house.  After the shower, he was mad and she didn't see him for 3 days. The latest was when I took her to the mall to get clothes to wear home from the hospital and him and 2 other guys he works with caught us in goody's.  He cussed me, got up in my face and grabbed her by the arm and just went off.  I called a detective and they aren't thinking there is anything that we can do until she says that there is a problem.  She even told me not to say anything to him.  She always takes up for him.  Needless to say, she stayed at my house for 3 days because she couldn't get in touch with him.  She tried calling him but couldn't get him.  Then on Friday, I guess he sent his mom to pick her up.  I told her that if she left to go back to him, I was not going back over to get her.  I told her that they would have to start taking her where she needs to go.  She hasn't called me since.  She has a dr. appt. Wed.  I don't know how she will get there since I always take her.  I do everything for her.  I fix her breakfast, try to get her to take her iron pill, do her laundry, everything.  Now it is killing me because I feel guilty for making her have to stay over there and not going to get her.  He also has a domestic violence record as well.  I was told that by the county attorney office when I tried to file a complaint on him calling all of the time.  They said until he threatens me, I can't do anything.  There is so much more about him that would just take so long that there isn't enough space.  I have just made myself so sick over this. I sit and cry and feel like such a bad mother.  I just want her to see that she doesn't need to live like this.  Not being able to get her out of this is killing me.  I know that she is the only one that can get out, but I should be able to make her see.  I am so afraid of what will happen to the baby.  She doesn't want it (never has wanted kids)  he is abusive, they have no money and are living with his parents which are abusive to him.  His mother said that she doesn't like kids either.  My daughter is just so depressed and she used to be so concerned over the way she looked.  Always wore makeup, always buying clothes (daily).  She was a clothes shopahaulic.  The most prissy girl you could ever find.  She was going to school and liked 2 months graduating from Estetics.  She would have been licensed in 2 states and he wouldn't let her finish.  She even tried to get a job at K-Mart.  She worked for 2 days.  I bought her $60 shoes and black pants and white shirts for work.  It lasted 2 days, because there was men that worked there so he made her quit.  HELP!!!!!!!!  I don't know what to do to get her away from this CRAZY GUY!!!!!!!!!!
ANSWER: Dear Carol

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink. It sounds like your daughter is a "battered spouse" who keeps going back to the abuse. You need to take her to counseling.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I have offered to take her to counseling, but of course in these situations, they don't see it as a problem.  How do I get her to agree to counseling?

Answer
Dear Carol

Sometimes you have to let your children find out the lessons and consequences of their decisions. The best thing that you can do is quit supporting her decision to stay with him by giving her stuff. She has to learn the consequences of her actions. Talk to her, let her know you are there for her, but that you will not support her decisions to live with this man by giving her financial assistance. That is her and her boyfriend's responsibility now. Quite frankly, the more you let her suck on you and ignore the obvious situation she is in, the more possibility you will get sick. You have to let her make her own choices. If she chooses to live with the guy, let her find out what that means. She can leave him anytime she wants.
 I have a son that overdosed four times and ended up in the emergency room in a coma. After the last one I told him that I would not come see him in the hospital again. He hasn't been back in a hospital since.