Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 12/4/2006

Question
For six months now, I've been dating a guy who makes me feel as if I have to tip toe my way around this relationship. He's the very jealous and possessive type, with insecurities I've never encountered in another person I've dated before. I've come to understand that his parents' divorce at a young age, and a previous series of failed relationships have influence him to be this way...but now as things continue to move along, I'm starting to almost empathize with his cheating ex-girlfriends.

From the start of things, we have forcefully argued almost every other day about everything from little happenings in weekly routines, to huge skepticism about what one or the other is doing--meaning, he gives me the third degree about who I'm with, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. I appreciate my God given independence, and I'd hope that by now he'd learn to trust me after having even said so himself. Also in the early days, we had a 'heated fight' over something fickly, yet it got to the point where I tried to walk away until he grabbed me by a twist of the arm, which pulled me to the ground. After I started to cry from shock of the situation, he apologized, started crying himself, and threatened to commit suicide if I left. Since then, similar events have happened almost half a dozen times. I wouldn't have believed he would do such a thing, but now I know for a fact that he had been hospitalized before for attempting the same stunt with another ex. He should be taking anti-depressants, but what's left are about 8 empty bottles of Zoloft--and this was months ago.

When he comes home from work, he constantly screams about what a horrible day he's having, and because I'm the one he 'vents' out to--aka, takes his frustrations out on--I find myself so upset on a nightly basis, that I can't concentrate on the important things in my own life. I constantly feel like I'm failing at what I usually do best, professionally speaking.

I strive to make myself available to him, otherwise he'll be upset. And no matter how much emotional or physical support I give to him, and no matter how hard I try to show I love him, I feel as if it's never enough. Frankly, I feel as if he treats me like a piece of shit.

He's a photographer by trade, and on the 3rd day of knowing him, I immediately asked to see his portfolio, or at least a sample or two. My passion is writing, and he's never once asked to read a single scribble I've come up with. I attend an art school, and he's never once asked to see a single piece of work I've completed. He hardly even asks me how my day is...yet when I'm upset, he tries to force my anger, or sadness out--but I don't feel like I can confide in him. He's not a person that can make me actually feel better when 'times get tough'.

I know what I should do, and I know I should have done it a long time ago, but it just seems like I need to hear it from another person--an expert, if you will. But one thing I constantly question is whether or not he truly 'loves' me, like he claims to. I believe that if you really do love someone, you would hold onto them dearly, and be last person, or thing, in the world to make them feel inferior in any way. I've been hoping salvation would come for this relationship between us, but I'm afraid it never will or just...can't--and I hate thinking of myself as another naive girl.

I don't want to change him as a person, but I do believe he can be better...

Any thoughts?  

Answer
Dear Leah

It would appear that he is the emotional equivalent of a six year old and is hugely codependant. He is also an emotional terrorist, and has you taken you as an emotional hostage. Run, do not walk, out of this relationship. Would you date a 6 year old?


good luck