Expert: David Simonsen - 11/17/2007

Question
I am have been with a man for 2.5 years now and have been engaged for the past 11 months and from day one he can not and does not tell the truth.  He lies about everything.  He has an ex-wife and no children and early in our relationship it became apparent (through my snooping), he maintained contact with her, although he told me different. When I would question him about it, he would lie and tell me there was no contact and that he knew about us.  Which was another lie I discovered when I contacted her myself.  As time went on, I discovered he was lying about most everything.  He had affairs while married to his ex-wife, which he denies but I  have concrete proof.  He sends emails still to this day to other women that I find and they are clearly full of his indiscretions and desires to be with them.  He lies to them about our relationship.  I have confronted him and he just lies and becomes very defensive and turns it around on me and yells and screams and leaves the room.  Nothing is ever resolved and he never takes responsibility of his lies.  Recently, he has convinced me to apply for a transfer with my employer to a position back east.  He tells me we can buy a nice house and have a nice life, although yesterday I found an email to a women telling her he has has convinced me to apply for a position in a location he has no desire to go to.  However, the day prior he was rambling about how he hopes I get the position and how good our relationship is.  He is constantly asking me when we are getting married, and I keep putting it off.  He shares nothing with me.  Everything I know about him, I have found out from a third party or by snooping.  I am aware that his mother died when he was 7 and he was raised by his father and a step-mother, but he claims she was a very good woman and treated him like her own.  I have a daughter from a previous long term marriage, and he treats her fairly.  His paternal instincts are lacking because he has no children of his own, but overall, he is good to my daughter and she seems to like him.  What is wrong with him?  Why won't he share anything with me, why does he always have to lie?  I realize there is no future with this man, but I leave in a very rural area and don't want to be alone.  I know this is wrong.  All I want is a normal relationship with a normal man.  I have told him this, and he swears he will be that man.  Which is just another lie.  I always feel like I have to be two steps ahead of him.  I allow myself to get sucked into his lies and think there might be a chance for a normal relationship, but then he does something else that I discover and I am devastated all over again.  I thought about not looking for the bad things he does (checking his cell phone, reading his emails, etc.) but since he has done so many, I feel the need to stay on top of things and I feel the constant reminders are what keeps me from making the mistake of marrying him.  The holidays are coming and I don't want to ruin them for my daughter, but how do I continue to put all of his lies aside?

Answer
Sarah,
Listen carefully. This man will never change. He is to a point where he is unable to (without a miracle). It has become just as natural for him to lie as it is for him to tell the truth. I suggest that you pursue the job in a different city and go there without him. If you stay, he will continue to cheat and he will hurt both you and your daughter. Living alone is better for both of you. Don't consider putting this aside. Get out now.
David