Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/22/2006

Question
Gee, I hope you can help me.I'll make it short. Met a guy on the net over 3 yrs ago, very rocky relationship. He cheated 3 times on me.Talked to numerous internet women promising marriage to them while engaged to me.Yes, I put up with it because I was just getting out of a 20 yr verbally abusive marriage.The X was loud, this guy quiet.Some good qualities.Anyhow I moved to two different states, he has called the woman that he cheated on me with numerous times. He has yelled at me and my teenage daughters, yet he prays before meals'take care of my little family and let them know how much I love them'.He's seeing a therapist who says he is passive aggressive and a manipulator. I've kicked him out many times, then we try to work things out again.He is depressed, taking meds.He has faked seizures in the past for attention, when he left this time he didn't want to work so he ended up in a shelter where he had a few seizures. He told me himself that if he was 'sick' he could stay in the shelter longer.My heart is huge so I thought I could 'fix' him, so I brought him home,now he's here with no job,saying he wants to marry me, but has no money for a ring or a license..lol. After writing this whole thing it really sounds so STUPID of me, huh?The only income I have is my child support and food stamps and he's using us because he's 'sick'. I have a real heart condition that the doc has said that I should have NO stress and thats all this life consists of. He refuses to brush his teeth, they are all brown and breaking off,deodorant? whats that? While we were apart trying to talk and work things out~he made a profile on a singles site looking for someone else. After I found it, he denied it, saying he was on there only for the forums, but he had the ages he was looking for from 35-53. And I'm about ready to turn 54 in 8 days, and he can't seem to understand that hurts me.Its like this endless sick mind game.I know you're gonna blame me cuz I've tried to stick with this guy, call me a nurturer or his enabler. I know I'm wrong or sick or whatever, but why is it SO HARD TO GET OUT OF THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP? Thanks and I sure hope you can help me. I'm hopeless.

Answer
Dear Debbie:

I think your last statement pretty much sums it up. You believe you are hopeless so you put up with this mess. You are a child of God, and are not hopeless. Life has sent you this man as a test to show you are not hopeless. All you have to do is believe that you have value and kick this fellow out of your house. This is not love, and you know it. You have a choice, live in misery or not.

So choose.

Good luck.