Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/27/2007

Question
My husband drinks excessively and when he does, he becomes very verbally abusive.  I had printed an article out on verbal abuse and had it in my "paper work" at my desk at home.  The other day, when he had not had too much to drink, he was looking for some papers and ran across my article while I was not home.  Later that even (even though he was drinking), he told me had seen it and "apologized" for how he has been treating me.  It was as though he TRULY believed he did not know he was being verbally abusive until he read that article.  He seemed to be ashamed of his behavior.  Could he really (in his own mind) not realize he is being abusive.  Also, why do they say such really mean things and then next day act like nothing has happened and every thing is "peachy".  

Answer
Dear Linda

Alcoholics do things all the time when they are drunk that they don't remember. Alternatively, they are in denial that anything they do is hurtful or inappropriate. I have recommended to some women that they get a tape recorder and record the conversations, that way the spouse cannot deny what they did.  You can try that. Good luck.