Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 6/29/2007

Question
I knew before I married my fantastic husband that his mother was a problem. She verbally and emotionally abused him for his entire life. He finally moved out when he was 26--actually, his mother kicked him out after they had one of their huge blowouts. I had to leave work in the middle of the day to drive to the house, pick him up, and take him to a hotel because part of the reason he still lived at home was that she guilted him into handing over his paycheck from his full-time job that he worked; thus, he didn't have a car. After this happened, she had my phone number and repeatedly called me and threatened me because she realized that kicking him out meant losing all of that money every two weeks. Eventually, because of her compulsive spending, they had to file for bankruptcy and lost their house. Apparently, my husband's paycheck had been just barely keeping them afloat and, once it was gone, it was just a matter of time. It was probably a matter of time anyway. I ended up changing my number, and that was the end of her calls. I had virtually no contact with her for the next three years, until we got engaged, although I knew that she constantly called my husband and harassed him for money. He sometimes gave in to her because all of the abuse had left him guilt-ridden if he didn't give in to her demands and sob stories that she was going to go to prison for bad checks, her electricity was going to be shut off, how could he turn his back on his family, etc...all while she lived in a luxury $1200 per month apartment, then a $1500 per month townhouse.

She started behaving a little more when we got engaged, and we made it nearly a year into our marriage before everything blew up, at least, with me. I was helping her pack up her things to move into a house that they had just bought about two months ago--out of the goodness of my heart, I might add, giving up my own free time to do this--when I saw a paper with my husband's name on it. It was an invoice for something that had been delivered to her. I didn't say anything to her, and when my husband, who had been out of town, got back, I asked him whether there was any logical reason for this. I was concerned that maybe she had gotten a credit card in his name and was ruining our credit or something along those lines. (I had good reason to think this was a possibility, as she has done things like this in the past.) He called and confronted her, and she blew up. Since then, she "reconciles" about once every two weeks, but then she gets upset about one thing or another and flies off the handle. We will think everything is fine, and then we get a sudden vicious voicemail about how I'm a "troublemaker," I'm "prissy," I'm a "f***ing a**hole," etc. She even went so far as to say that the worst thing my husband ever did was marry me.

What's worst of all is that she's talking to everyone else in my husband's family about me. This wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that we learned Monday night that his younger brother has been talking back. He told her something I said in the midst of the biggest part of the fight two months ago, and we got another irate phone call. And my mother-in-law has even started talking to people she barely knows about the situation--such as the woman she's hired to paint her new house!!! Yet, she gets incredibly indignant and upset and tells me not to talk about her to her son--you know, the one I'm married to.

I just have no clue how to handle this woman. My husband and I have tried everything--ignoring, engaging (although I have made a point of not screaming and refusing to use profanity, even though she doesn't remember it like that), trying to reason, on and on. We are just at our wit's end. The only thing that would placate her is if I apologized and pretended nothing happened, which I honestly can't do, and probably wouldn't if I could. (I don't apologize when I haven't done anything wrong.)

How do we handle this? How do we approach a relationship with my husband's younger brother, by whom I feel incredibly betrayed? (I feel as if I'm 12 and he tried to "get me in trouble." And it worked.)

Fortunately, my husband is on my side in all of this, otherwise, I don't think our marriage could take it.

Any help or insight you can get would be incredibly welcome.

Answer
Dear Stephanie

You should treat her like any other human being who treated you this way. How would you respond to a stranger who treated you this way. Buddha said: "we are not our parent's children and we are not our children's parents". What he meant was that attachments between parents and children always lead to misery. Forget she is your mother in law and treat her like you would anyone else.