AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
Experience see bio under "general dating questions"
Question QUESTION: I am 36 years old and I am married with two lovely little girls, aged 4 and 9. My first memories of childhood are of my father beating my mom, brother, and sister. He would call us young ones over to watch. I grew up small and afraid, luckily smart. I was able to get out of our home and go to college. I always wanted a different life, a good life. When I met my husband I immediately fell in love. But it was not long before he began treating me badly. We don't have the best history. He was very unreliable and even sneaky. There are some great things about our relationship, too, we could be a great couple, but it's been 11 years and things are starting to get old. He is a good and fun dad to the girls but....We constantly bicker...we work on it...we've gone to counseling. He continues to be unreliable in big ways, I get angrier. But, what I'm writing about is my children. I think I'm a very good mom. I try to run a good household. I work full time. I try to feed them very well and read up on discipline LOTS. I have always wanted to learn how to be a great parent. I've learned a lot, a lot more than the average person. I read very good stuff, things that teach you to raise independent and confident kids without yelling or spanking, etc. For the most part I try hard to do it. but sometimes I fail. When I am tired, overworked, alone without help, premenstrual, are usually the times. If the kids start pushing my buttons, I can sometimes get so mad I will just bellow at them. Bellow is definitely the word. I don't insult them like my dad did, I don't hit or beat them. Mostly it is just yelling really loud for them to do what I asked them however many times. I have given a spank or two here or there. I hate this and I can see it scares them, especially the 9 year old. I know they love me so much, and I them, but I am really terrified that this is hurting our relationship. I know it is. It happens about once every 2 to 4 weeks. I wonder: should i get on meds? sometimes i wonder if i am really happy in my marriage...does that add to the stress? would counseling help? it feels like i just see red and go off when this happens. i think i have the ability to go there b/c of what i saw as a kid. will this transfer to my kids, i think i am 1000000 times better than my dad ever was, but still. when this happens should i apologize? i do, but my friend pointed out that that is like an abusive relationship. any suggestions for helping me keep my frustration under control? i just want my kids to grow up happy and healthy and confident. any advice would be so very appreciated.
ANSWER: =i don't really see your behavior, or an apology, (done without foregoing your justification as to your displeasure), as out of line; my father yelled and spanked, and i'm perfectly fine; the key is to explain your anger and how THEY could have prevented the consequences; so you keep steering them into making better decisions, rewarding good behavior while ignoring or chastising the bad; as the animal trainer says, it's never the animal's fault, a thought that may lessen your impulsivity in dealing with them or even others... certainly staying in a bad marriage doesn't help--resentments and frustrations pile up; you need to ask yourself if this is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...the right counselor could help you in making that decision..as to the analogy, there was a big article in the ny times about it--the principle does have validity, similar to "lord forgive them, for they know not what they do...", which seems to have had a long shelf life...
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QUESTION: like, as in lord forgive the children, or as in lord forgive ME when I lose it with them? i would like to read it. link? i thought reward and punishment was old school. do you think kids have the ability to have intrinsic motivation? how often would i have to lose it for it to be considered a pattern/problem? thanks so much for your time and thoughtfulness. i think when you grow up like we did, you just don't know what is normal.
Answer actually in the big picture it would apply to both, but in helping answer your question, it would help you perhaps re-assess what you consider to at times be regrettable behavior toward the children..it's not a current article--don't know how you'd find it, except somewhere in the ny times archives, last year.."old school"?..no one's told me that..seeing kids today, the "new school" certainly isn't working..not sure what you mean by "intrinsic motivation"; as to frequency/pattern, i doubt there's a magic number--it's more a function of what the result is; i'd have to know alot more about the specifics to have a stronger opinion..
