Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 2/26/2007

Question
i have been married over 20 years to a man that was a very caring and kind man.he injured his back on a bricklaying job around 13years ago and has change his personality completly.first i dealt with the constant pain he was in...then he became addicted to pain killers....got off the pain killers then his father died suddenly 5 years ago in the midst of this we had 2 children a boy 15 now and a girl 9. he constantly picks on the boy and puts him down..our son is a awesome student and good boy(no drugs or alcohol problems etc.) he is lazy around the house and my husband makes it a hudge issue...however my daughter can do no wrong and she really plays on this. My relationship with my husband is ok as long as i follow all his rules....i work from my home and i do all the householod chores including the finances.....it's not enough he finds fault in everything....hates me spending time with my family and friends...including talking on the phone...today was the last straw he has written on the calender how many times i have been out socially this month without him or the kids....i have tried councelling and it makes me feel better for the time being but i come home to the same old crap! he has been off and on to councelling for years and never practices anything he has learned. my question is it time to throw in the towel?? please answer me honestly as i am just about at the end of my rope!!    kim

Answer
Dear Kim

This is about boundaries, and he is trying to make you into his mother. You need to have a talk with him about the fact you are both adults and you need to have some space from time to time, it is healthy for any relationship. Whether you need to leave or not, you need to ask yourself whether you love him enough to put up with this, or ask him to change. If he doesn't, then leave. I do not believe that people should spend their lives with adults who refuse to grow up if it makes them miserable. You can always separate and go back to counseling. however, it sounds like he has an addictive personality and he is addicted to you. That is not healthy for either one of you.