Expert: Azure - 5/10/2006

Question
Please help me to clear my head,Azure. I have been with my partner for a few years and we now live together. I had noticed over the last couple of years that his bad temper was increasing in frequency/explosiveness and every couple of weeks or so he would become enraged.We might be going along fine, then all hell would let loose in a split second about something I said or did, or something he realised. If I don't immediately stop talking or trying to find out what's wrong at these times, he has massive tantrum, throwing & kicking things, making growling noises (sounds funny I guess but it scares me rigid ). I have called him on it but he insisted that he would never hurt me, that it's just i'm first in line and he admits he has trouble coping with his temper. Beyond that he won't discuss it as he says it makes him "stressed" to discuss it, so it blows over with me left feeling no closure. However, in the last few months, the outbursts have increased in frequency, & personal insults are a feature, "dumb cow" "bitch" etc. and when he throws things they seem to be designed to miss me rather than being thrown around generally, do you know what i mean? He has also started to shut himself in another room when i try to respond rationally to these outbursts,where he will stay for hours on end, freezing me out or cursing at me from behind the door. He will accuse me of being vague/confusing/deliberately obtuse in a conversation but when i try to explain myself better he will attack me with a list of points and then cursing, till I "SHUT THE F*** UP!!". If i persist,when i feel unfairly accused i sometimes try to stand my corner, he ends it by  screaming in my face that he doesn't want an answer any more, that he's "bored" with the subject. Now, here's my dilemma (finally - sorry). This is about once/twice a month.. is it abuse if it isn't all the time? I've been reading internet material but it seems that constant=abuse. Is he abusive or just bad-tempered? Am I abused or just too much of a wimp for not standing up for myself in what is a common scenario? I am quite weak as I always cry when this happens,it can take days to get over it, so that would be annoying for anyone. He has said he "can't cope" with how he can't even lose his temper any more without me crying all the time...so am i making it worse? What should I do? Sorry if I sound like an idiot, but I'm so confused these days i don't know what to do/read/learn to sort this out. Thanks xx

Answer
call it whatever you want; the bottom line is you're addicted to a totally unhealthy, dangerous, dysfunctional arrangement (that will only get worse) with a guy who is in dire need of anger management counseling; overcome your insecurities and save your life by leaving NOW; if you can't/won't, get counseling to help you do so..