Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/22/2007

Question
I met my now ex-boyfriend in May of 2006.  It was absolutely love at first sight.  We got along so well and he had every quality in a man that I had been looking for...except he was a recovering heroin addict.  When he told me I was shocked but I thought to myself, "ok so he's been two years sober and if we are so happy together then he'll just stay off the drugs completely."  Well in November of 2006 things were still going great until he out of the blue told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and breaking up would be for the best.  I was completely devastated.  How could this happen to me?  Two weeks later he called to bring over some of my stuff he had and we got back together and he even moved in with me.  He told me that he said those things to me because he felt like using and was fighting it, but didn't want to put me through all that if he had relapsed.

When within weeks of him moving in with me he relapsed.  I took him to detox, but he chose not to go through the rehab program afterwards because he did not want to lose his job.  He came home and everything seemed fine.  He started to act weird again a couple weeks later and when I came home from work one day, he told me he had relapsed again and that he was leaving for detox the next day and would enter the rehab program as well.

He called me everyday from rehab, crying on the phone saying how sorry he was and that he would do everything to prove himself to me and to please don't leave him.  He begged for me to let him move back in and made so many promises.  So, I let him back.

Things went really well for about 6 weeks, then all of a sudden he started acting secretive with me.  I had this feeling he was keeping stuff from me, but not that he started using again.  There were signs, however, but I thought that I was just looking too hard to find them.  Two weeks ago he told me he was moving out, that he wasn't happy, and that he wasn't in love with me anymore.  He left the next day while I was at work.  When I came home, he had only taken most of his clothes and shoes, but there was still a lot of stuff here.  He even left his AA book right out on the table.  I tried calling him but he wouldn't take my calls.  He texted me saying it was too soon.  I texted him back and asked him if he was going to rehab, but he said he wasn't using that he was sober.  One week later his brother came to get the rest of his stuff.  

There were signs that he has relapsed again, such as no sex-drive, he was getting sick and coughing a lot, it was freezing in my apartment and I could tell that he had the sliding door open (which he denied), he was lying about things that didn't matter, and he had no color in his face.  There were other signs as well.  I don't know if I just want them to be there because it would be a better explanation for him leaving.  But everytime I think about it, I know there were signs.  The even weirder part about this is the day before he told me he was leaving, he confronted me all upset saying he was getting a vibe that I was going to throw him out.  I assured him I wasn't and he told me that sometimes he thinks that he doesn't make me happy and I had to assure him that he did.  To this day, he still has not spoken to me over the phone since the break but he did send me a text last week saying how he hopes I can still be a part of his life in some way.  I miss this guy so much and I supported him through everything.  To this day I don't know if he relapsed, but I can say I was in love with a heroin addict.  

So I guess my question to you is... what is your opinion on this?  Can a heroin addict ever have a "real" relationship or will the urges and the drug always come first?  

Answer
Dear Kristi

I have seen sobriety work miracles, but as long as someone continues to use, the drug will always come first. You might want to look at what attracted you to him in the first place. If you don't, you will continue to fall in love with addicts.