Expert: Azure - 7/9/2007

Question
Azure,
Hi, I am looking for an unbiased opinion, I have searched my heart and my head and I cannot for the life of me, figure out what is wrong with my husband.  We have been married for two years, I have a small farm and am a market gardener, part time student, full time mom (2 teens left at home.)  I met my husband after a divorce of 14 years with my kids dad, amicably split-I wanted the farm, he did not.  Three months into our relationship, I lost my oldest son in a car accident, tragedy beyond words.  My now husband seemed to be such a rock and helped me through the hardest part of my life.  My life has changed, I did not think possible the growth I have made.  I have my own business, I'm in school, I raise veggies and poultry and everything is oh so wonderful in every sense except-I'll always miss my son, and my husband hates me.  The first is a reasonable expectation and I accept and acknowledge my missing my son, but I look at his life and love and that is what I carry with me day in day out, I think it is why I am so successful now.  My husband hates me, he does not work, he does not support me in anyway, emotional financial physical, nothing, nada-no sex anymore, no hugs no kisses...it seems the higher I go, the lower he gets.  We have a counseling appt. Thurs, he said he would go, now he says no-says he is moving out, says negative stuff constantly.  I do love him, either he is clinically depressed or taking great advantage of a good woman.  He has also stressed he will not take medication or see a Dr.  In my heart I need to draw a line, I know.  Again, I needed an unbiased opinion, it has been an emotional 4 years, and I have come so far, as has my kids, I cannot nor will I go down again.  Hard choices, help me please.  ( My son was a Marine, and proudly so, he left insurance so his siblings would have no worries for college.)  My husband has access to this money and does not seem to be employing any good judgement these days, so this aspect worries me greatly.  We did sign an agreement before marriage, because I did not want anything to happen to that money.  Thanks, I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

Answer
the real question is, where is the self-esteem that would have led to your kicking this bum out LONG AGO?..as to "love", chances are if analyzed, this is more based on insecurity/dependence--if there's no loving interaction, love becomes a hollow, meaningless concept; even real love many times is nowhere near enough to make up for such glaring deficiencies--in fact it becomes a negative, working to keep those like yourself to unhappily remain in unhealthy relationships; the unbiased advice: end this marriage ASAP, and get on with the business of engaging with only those that add something to your life, and not subtract from it..