Expert: David Simonsen - 11/26/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have been a friend with this co-worker for 6 years.  He is married but separated with his wife and always shows interest in me.  But he knows that I am married with a little girl.  He loves his two kids dearly and a very smart guy at work.  A matter of fact, he is a few level above me, but not directly my boss.  

I first refused him in person and in writing in this March. With some issues with my husband at home, I found myself falling for him and started thinking about his hot talks.  Came April, he helped me to prepare for my promotion and we got closer.  I was losing control and started struggling with myself if I should be an unfaithful wife.  So I kept refusing his approaches till July.  I found myself missed him dearly and seemed I couldn't live w/o him.  I asked him what he wanted from me exactly.  He said he never want me to divorce my husband because he wanted me to be a good mother for my little girl (He loves kids).  But he wanted to be able to hang out with me whenever he can't and want to have good memory with me.  After a lot of mental struggling I had with myself, I decided to give a shot by dating him secretly.  But whenever I am ready, he would deny me (A matter of fact, we never dated after work.  He would hang out with me for lunches, coffee breaks).  Then when I decided to stop this relationship, he would beg me to take him back.  His explanation was that he loved me but he couldn't imaging taking me away from my family.  He was afraid that our relationship would ruin our work lives and family lives.  He said he cared about me so much that he wanted people to respect me but not label me as an bad woman.  

On 9/4/07 after one of our many fights, he told me he missed me and wanted to hang out with me the next day after work.  He was so promising and passionate.  Next day came; I didn't hear a word from him.  He stayed away from me for a few days.  Then he told me that his daughter flamed at school and needed his immediately attention.  He felt so ashamed to tell me that he needed to cancel the date and he chose not to face it.  I was very hurt and I thought that was it.  But he kept begging me and told me how sorry he felt.  The point that wasn't the first time that he cancel on me, apologized to me and beg me.  Yet, I slowly forgave him because I love him.  I care about him so much and we see each other so often at work.

On 11/1/07, we had a very passionate lunch break together and I had go on a business trip (I am a smart professional woman who never thought that I was so foolish).  He promised me to called me during my trip and he didn't.  I called him on Monday and he told me that he didn't call me for a reason.  I knew that he hesitate again and he high his head back to his shelf like a turtle.  So I sent him an email to tell him that I hate him and never talk to me again.  

Fine.  We haven't talked since (except work related).  But I am feeling a lot of pain and I don't know how to get alone with him as a co-worker.  I still care about him even though I know that I should love him.  But I do.  I lose weight and feel depressive.  This must stop.  He doesn't seem happy either.  I know that he has been struggling with himself too.  I want this whole thing to stop for both him and me.  He is working very hard and moving up the ladder, I want him to concentrate at work and don't waste his time.  I still care about him.

I want the pain to stop ASAP.  How???


ANSWER: Foolish,
I can't help with normal. The pain you feel is normal. What you need to do is do action that will make the pain go away. This could be any number of things. Limit time you see him. Keep interaction with him in groups and STRICTLY work-related. Move to another job site. Get rid of his cell numbers any thing you have of his that would remind you of him. I would also suggest you think twice before having another relationship with someone are work. You could get sued...lose your job etc....
David
www.help4life.net

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Knowing what need to be done and actually doing it are two different stories, agree?  Most women are emotional and I am certainly one of them.  I don't hate him nor think there is hope between us anymore.  But his face and what we did would pop up in my mind every day... I am so very contradictory and out of my control.  Normally I am a very logical woman and won't do things if they are not right.  But there is always exception...

On the other hand, I am very confused if what I had for him is solely Lust or love.  I wanted to spend time with him as a couple; when I had difficulty at work, I would like to hear from him.  But at the same time, I won't give up my husband for him.  I keep asking myself if it's possible that I am in love with two men at the same time or that I am insane.

ANSWER: I would say you are in love with a fantasy because you struggle with your reality. You need to focus on making your reality better. This means doing things to get back in love with your husband. Yes the fantasy is exciting and fun, but the risks involved are too much. If you let your emotions rule then you might as well kiss your reality goodbye.
David

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: David,

You are right and very rational.  I appreciate your words, which help me a lot.  I totally disconnected from him personally for about a month now and kept to the minimum when I had to talk to him regarding work issues.  I used to ask why he would be coward and hesitated in dealing our relationship; he is the opposite at work.  I believe a mature man like him would do whatever he can to be with a woman who he truly loves.  Then I was afraid to get to the conclusion that he doesn’t truly love me or he just want to have fun in an affair.  But then I recognize that I would never get a definite answer from nobody.  The truth is whatever I believe, and my belief should help me to move on easily.  So I would rather believe that he wasn’t sincere to me to begin with.  

Since I found out that I was falling for him, I started seeing marriage therapist with my husband.  We did resolve some issues and we are closer than before.  Till today, I still see that he is the man who would put up the most for me and who loves me the most.  But after marrying to him for 10 years and dealing with everyday busy life, I don’t feel sparkling between us anymore.  Life between us became dual.  I found myself asking for his attention or intimacy from time to time (I am 35 years mom who is still attractive).  After a while, I was sick and tired of it.  He would only change a bit temporarily if I complain.  Plus, I am an ambitious professional and he is a layback technician.  I feel that the distance between us is getting bigger and bigger; and the ways we look at life are not the same anymore.  Maybe this is the reality that I am struggling with as you mentioned.  

Answer
I seems you need to bring action into your marriage. Not bringing it in is what makes no spark happen. Do you act like you have passion towards you husband. I don't care if you do or not. Do you act like it. If you wait for feelings they won't come. If you behave a certain way your feelings will follow. You have behaved out of love for a long time. It is only fair to think that once you start making an effort to do the opposite your feelings will change again. You also don't seem to have a very honoring attitude towards him. Comparing your job to his shows there may be some contempt towards him that leads to resentment on his part towards you. Resentment KILLS intimacy.
David
www.help4life.net