Expert: Azure - 8/13/2007

Question
I had been really good friends with a guy at my college for about four
months, when he left to study abroad for a semester. The night before he
left, he called me drunk and told me that he loved me and wanted to be with
me, etc. The next day he emailed and said he "didn't remember what
happened last night". We talked about it and decided to have an open
relationship for a year while we went to our respective study abroad
programs. Through our emails, he increasingly talked about other girls, made
racist, sexist, and hurtful comments about others. Then he emailed less and
less and made excuses about it. I took his "jokes" and instability until I
couldn't take them any longer, and broke up with him online in a detailed
email. He stayed away for about two months, then talked to my best friend at
home to see what he could do to talk to me again. I felt bad, so we started
writing again, but kept up the same behavior as before. I started finding out
things that he had lied about or kept from me when I got back to school; his
sexual history, his treatment of others, other little lies (one of my friends
refuses to speak with him; I found out he'd violently pushed her, and there
were witnesses). I dismissed all of these things becausee I believed him. When
we were finally together, he would flirt with other girls in front of me to
"make me mad", he would make absolutely innapropriate racist and sexist
comments about me and my friends. He would get out of control when he got
drunk, but wouldn't lay a finger on me. Throughout that year, I broke up with
him several times, but every time, he would email me and pester me until I
got mad and agreed to talk to him, wherein I'd give in and get back together.
I never felt he respected my space in this way. On the other hand, sometimes
he'd want to prevent me from joining him during important activities with his
friends. He seemed to only want to hang out in his room with me, as if I was a
social idiot. Sometimes he'd make plans with me and forget to tell me they
fell through until I was on my way. He basically wanted everything on his
terms, to the point that I just went along with all of his plans and started
neglecting and being ashamed of my own friends, because he was so critical
of them and his schedule mattered more than mine. Then he would tell me
that he "never asked me to give up my friends for him". Yet whenever he
wanted me to, I would just go over to his place over hanging out with my
friends, because I already felt distanced from them. He would then feel guilty
and ask why I wouldn't say, go back to the party. When he'd be drunk or sick,
I'd take care of him. One day, he asked me to come over, and told me that he
wasn't happy in the relationship, but he thought I'd 'crumble without him'. I
got mad and broke up with him the next day. A few weeks later, He told me
that he was 'crumbling without me' and told me a few days later he wanted ot
be with me after college, go into the peace corps together etc. etc. He then
asked me to come back to him. Lo and behold, I did. Another few months
went by, and I asked him again one night what he thought about our future,
only to find that he basically wanted to be "open", but for me to stick around
just in case he didn't find someone better. I told him I had an appointment
the next day for the anxiety I was having, and he disapproved, lecturing me
on the dangerous chemicals in antidepressants, while his actions were the
cause of my anxiety in the first place! The next day I cried and pleaded with
him as to why he didn't give a penny about our relationship, and he said he
just 'couldn't deal with it right now', leaving me alone that night and not
answering my calls. I broke up with him again, this time staying away for a
month. A week before school ended, I saw him and missed his presence, and
he convinced me to go back to him with lots of lies and an insincere apology.
Soon after school ended, he started being unreliable, critical of the time I
took to do my schoolwork, shutting me out again, and telling me he flirts
with others to "teach me a lesson". Then he broke up with me, saying that he
"knew that he didn't want to be with me before we got back together, and I
couldn't fault him for that", but he waited until it was convenient for him, to
tell me. Now he is finally giving me some room to breathe, because the
breakup was on his terms. He has written me once to see if I wanted to meet
up with him this summer, and I replied in a brief email that while I forgive
him, I don't want him to be in my life anymore. All of his emails are
automatically deleted.

My life without him is so much better, absent of his drama and mind games.
Now, finally for the questions.
I know that the I was emotionally abused and withheld from closeness in
many respects, but there was not much of a controlling aspect to it. Yes, he
criticized my diet, clothes, major, and friends, but he did not try to control
my finances or pry into my personal things. He didn't force me to come home
at a certain time, or pick out my outfits, or overtly limit my social interactions.
At times he even asked me why I didn't hang out with my friends more. He
also never physically abused me or my belongings. He wasn't jealous when I
talked to other guys, didn't threaten or make me report to him when I made
decisions. He was selfish, and wanted me only when he wanted me, and at
other times I was a pest to him. This made me depressed and anxious and
feeling crazy 24/7, and I did present with symptoms of abuse. I will never go
back to him. I'm just wondering how someone can be emotionally abused but
not controlled in those ways?
I'm also wondering if I should send him one last email and tell him he is an
abuser and to get some help. I know it's not healthy for me to write him again
considering our relationship patterns, but I don't want him to hurt anyone
else. Knowing him, he might even get pleasure knowing he caused me so
much pain. Is not calling him on it just letting him abuse others? Should I tell
his friends in a few months and let word get to him that way?

Answer
1. abuse can take on many disguises..he didn't care enough to control you in those ways; instead, he bartered the "freedom" he gave you so he could enjoy the no strings sexual arrangement he had with you, while using HIS freedom to also see others; his "abuseiveness" was more a "manipulation"..you were the puppet, and he knew what strings to pull, and when; 2. if i thought it would do some good, i'd tell you to send it, but i doubt he's all of a sudden gonna change his ways because an "ex", or a friend tells him he should; that being said, if you think YOU'LL feel better letting him know all the ways he selfishly jerked you around, than you should..for now, rejoice in the fact you finally cured your addiction, some people NEVER do...he'll get "his" soon enough...