Expert: Azure - 6/30/2007

Question
Hi. I'll admit it's very hard for me to open up about my situation to a stranger, but I'm desperate for some sort of outside opinion that does not involve the naturally strong and biased feelings of my family.

I am seventeen years old and have been involved with a man three years older than me on and off for almost three years now. We've known each other since i was only thirteen, but really our relationship didn't begin until I was fifteen. I guess I was too naive to notice the classic signs of an abusive man then, because he did all the things that I have read about on so many occasions. He was adoring, proclaiming his undying love very prematurely in the relationship and his nearly obsessive behavior flattered me at the time. But the abuse didnt begin until about eight months later. you see, he's given me the sob story about coming from a broken home with a heroin addicted mother and a father who just didn't care. He's relayed the hardships of his life to me over and over, and I suppose he blames all his addictions and criminal behavior on his upbringing alone. he always blames someone except himself. anyway, im getting a little off topic here. he's always been in trouble and abusing drugs. when we got together he gave me a whole song and dance about how i gave him a reason to be clean and sober. and he stuck to that lie for awhile, until he had to admit he was doing all these drugs behind my back. the lies should've drove me away. hell, the bad behavior shouldve been enough, but abusers blind you from the beginning. you just get trapped.

anyway, about eight months into our relationship, he'd finally talked me into doing drugs. id already been lying to my parents for eight months about where i'd been and who i was with [they disapproved of his age difference from the beginning] and to add it on, i willingly went into an even darker and more troubled situation. its been my experience that once you do one seemingly "hard core" drug, you suddenly [or at least i did] had the curiousity to try all of them. he was very good at talking and twisting everything in everyone else's direction. besides all the lying he'd convinced me was "okay" because we were "meant to be together and everyone else was just jealous of our love", he'd now convinced me that drugs, SERIOUS drugs like cocaine and crystal meth, were acceptable every now and then. okay im not a puppet, i cant blame it all on him, but someone who loves you shouldn't be dragging you into these compromising situations. he should be concerned about my health. not his addictions.

anyway, with the drugs came the strange irrational behavior. he'd kept me around by telling me i was his only reason for living and he needed me to stay on track and out of jail. and again, i guess i felt like i was abandoning him by leaving so i stayed. but i always note that pivital eight months as when i first noticed the abusive behavior. he was always territorial. every boyfriend is to some extent. but it went from normal to extreme. his jealousy and possesiveness became very isolating. soon he had me turned against everyone who was important to me. my best friend, who'd desperately pleaded with me to leave numerous times, was now seen as enemy trying to destroy "our perfect love". all my friends were "against us". my family too. really they were anti-him, it had nothing to do with hating me. but of course, the manipulation is extremely severe. i see it now. i didn't then. eventually everyone except him and people he associated with were the only acceptable people i could spend my free time with. and i couldnt associate with any boy that was not him or one of his friends. every man was a threat, even my best friend. my best friend is in fact gay and transgendered, so the ridiculousness of his jealousy was just obscene. also there was always hours and hours of interogation. he was insistant that i was cheating and lying, which i was not. he would sit for hours and call me a liar and threaten to leave me if i didnt admit to kissing one boy or flirting with another. as time went on, the accusations became more sexual and humiliating. he would have me crying and begging for forgiveness for something i didnt even do. his manipulation skills are some of the best ive ever seen. he always had me convinced it was my fault, or id done something wrong. one of the biggest issues of our relationship was an alleged sexual encounter i had with another girl that he supposedly eye witnessed. we were all under the influence and to this day i have no recollection of anything ever happening like that, but ill be damned if he didnt have me admit to it or face losing him. i used to believe i couldnt live without him. he'd help me feel that he was the best there was.

as time continued, his addictions were worse. he ended up living in some abandoned house with fellow addicts, and began heavily drinking and taking perscription pills. one time he'd become so intoxicated he was out of control, swearing and threatening me and breaking up with me and begging me to come back every five minutes. i had to take two city buses to basically watch over him until he detoxed. and he was always inventing reasons to be angry at me and to leave me. and id have to jump through hoops of fire to win back his affection. and when he would show one ounce of love i felt like i was making some kind of progress. so i stayed.

about two weeks after this incident, he was arrested for "robbery by sudden snatching". drunk and hungry and dillusional, he stole a womans purse off a chair and spent four months in jail before the charges were dropped. every week on his visitation day, i was there, rain or shine. i was under age so i continually had to find someone eighteen to accompany me into jail. and i had to keep it all underneath my parents noses. but after i paid four hundred dollars for jail phone calls, it was obvious. still the abuse continued from behind bars. he claimed he needed me to live but at the same time he was constantly questioning my fidelity [i was always faithful] and telling me that he didn't believe i was exclusive to him. when he was finally released he threatened to leave me again if i didnt admit to cheating on him. id grown weary of these threats and refused. so he didnt leave, but he used it as an excuse to treat me like dirt. in his eyes, a male friend giving me a ride to work means were having sex. in reality, thats the way he would behave, not me.

then last september came, a week after my seventeenth birthday, my family, in a desperate attempt to save me from this situation, moved a thousand miles away. i was so heartbroken that i sank into depression and never left my room. i lost fifteen pounds and spent my time trying to have conversations with him. he promised to be there and love me always and wait till i could come home, but he didnt. he would disappear, or ignore my calls, or break up with me because he couldn't trust me. he tortured me with yelling and screaming and convinced me it was my fault he was treating me like this, that i was demanding too much of his time [ten or fifteen minutes every now and then]. but then he would turn around and profess his love and how much he needed me. by january i was painfully thin and desperate for his approval. coerced by his affectionate behavior, i took all the money id saved from my part time job and bought a train ticket to go back home. id run away to be with him. it only lasted three weeks. things were blissful, but he would again drink all night and become angry and inconsiderate. he threatened to kick me out if i didnt get a job, and this was only two days after arriving. i would spend eight hours a day finding a job, and after four days i got one. well then he began arguing with me all the time over nothing. throughout our relationship he'd always found ways to put me down. he insisted he could do everything better than me and i was an idiot and couldnt do anything. he'd also resorted to stealing my bus money so i couldnt get to work the next morning. he would slap me. and push me. and tell me i was the reason he didnt respect women. but then in the morning he would wake up sober and remember none of it. it only took me three weeks to call my parents for help. i was broke and stranded and completely alone and scared. my parents packed the car and drove a thousand miles to retrieve me and the puppy he'd given me as a peace offering. i had never felt so sad in my life. but the trouble was, i wasnt upset that he treat me badly, i was sad that i wasnt taking care of him.

even after my parents took me back, he pursued me. but this was short lived, because a month after i returned, he had to confess to me that he had cheated on me and gotten another woman pregnant. this was the moment, i think, that i suddenly got some real perspective on the situation. after all his promises of how i was his soul mate, he screwed the next thing with legs as soon as i was gone. i snapped. distraught and burned out, i went cold and unforgiving. i lashed out at him and withdrew from everything. the pain was so much that i turned off every emotion just to stand it. the emotional and physcological damage was done. and i knew it.

for the past two months, he's been chasing after me. he moved in with his mother in a different state to clean up his act and work things out with me. he's insistant on moving a thousand miles to be with me while i go to college. he is completely sober and holds a manager position[at a pizza shop] and is always apologizing and trying his hardest to make everything up to me.

i realize the damage he's done. i know he's bad for me. i know that his track record should have me filing restraining orders. but for some reason i feel compelled to believe him. i have loved him endlessly and i feel that we deserve a happy ending. but common sense says its just going to go sour, as it always has.

my question is, do they change? do you think his sobering up is really a reason to try again? hes only twenty, and id like to think that maybe he's young enough to change his ways, but would i be stupid just to let him come here? i feel like im abandoning him, and i would never forgive myself if he'd actually become a good person and i didnt give him another chance. I know this sounds really stupid, but for anyone whose ever been in this situation, i hope they know what im talking about. do you think moving here, sobering up and being responsible is change enough for me to be with him again?

thank you for your time and opinions. it is greatly appreciated.

Answer
a well-written, totally depressing, sad story; as bad as he was/is in need of help, for you to remain with him under that level of sheer abuse, indicates serious addictive, dependent personality issues within you that should be dealt with by a therapist prior to your considering a relationship with ANYONE, let alone him; the counseling should hopefully make you realize that there's no valid reason to ever speak or otherwise communicate with the man again, let alone actually think about being with him; you've already wasted a bunch of years--to risk even a SECOND more on the 1000 to 1 shot that this guy has TOTALLY transformed his being, is foolhearty at BEST, and this time you'll have no one to blame but yourself...the man has personality issues/tendencies, that aren't goin away just because he stopped drinking, for now; he probably needs a year of inpatient treatment, followed by a couple more of outpatient, and even then it would be questionable if he had changed at all...a long lonely life of quiet desperation, or worse, or a fresh start at a healthy, happy existence?..your choice...