Expert: Azure - 2/7/2007

Question
Thank you I need someone to tell me that.  Do you think this is an abusive/controlling relationship?  I think it is and that's why she came to me in the first place.

When we first hung out she said it was the happiest she's ever been in her life but that her boyfriend and mother are angry at her and followed-up with "I think they are jealous. She's from a rather backwards eastern european culture and family.  I told her that makes me sad because they will never except me her life.

Poor me.  I feel sad. Do I just "let it go", "move-on",
It's hopeless isn't it?

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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I have this new best friend who I love and care about dearly.  When I first met her she came to me and said she wanted to be best friends, hang-out and that "she loved me so much".  Then she proceeded to tell me that she doesn't love her boyfriend of 10 years and wants out.  She lives 2000 miles away from him confirmed that she moved to get away from him.  He flys out and visits unannounced. When he's here he constantly bothers her with driving him around. (I work with her) Wines at her to stay and be with him when she has to go to work or school.

He is at the Casino 24/7 when he is here and won't spend quality time with her at all - like a dinner at home. He takes her car to go to the casino.  She needs it for work.

He calls her every hour of every day whether here or not.  He insults her and tells her she's never going to make it in her job and to get away (we are in real estate and on a team together and talked about forming our own corporation).

She's calls me in duress and says to call her immediatly but by the time I talk to her she says it was nothing.

We are good friends but when he is out she acts awful to me. Even went so far as to try and steal a client from me.  I think he puts her up to it so we will fight.

He won that one and we are no longer on a team or working for the same company but were still friends.  

Now in January she said she was ramping up and going to dedicate herself fulltime to real estate, buying a printer investing $$ etc.  then she said he's moving out here and in with him.  (A couple months back she said if that ever happens she'll move to europe).

I blew-up and said she'll never get anywhere in her life with him around.  She might as well plan on taking care of him for the rest of her life.  It was the first time I ever said anything after listening to months of her crying.

Now we are not talking.  She won't have anything to do with me.  I feel bad and feel like they are trying to make me out to be the controlling bad guy.

Because of all her sadness I can't help but wonder and worry about her.  She doesn't have a lot friends because I think he picks them for her.  I am not a chosen one.  However I think I am the only one chosen by her.

I'm I the bad guy?

Can I do anything to help?

Is there anyway to salvage our friendship?

am I right to think she's in a controlling abusive relationship from him--not me?

Is it okay to send a thoughtful card or email now & then or am I stalking her?

Any and all other advice is welcome.







She's told me he's a teriible lover and only seeks to please himself.  She cries all the time.
-----Answer-----
you can't help someone who doesn't want your help; you saw what happened when you spoke your mind; as long as he's in the picture and she remains helplessly addicted to the jerk, there's little chance a healthy friendship can evolve; leave it be--if she decides to apologize/initiate contact, fine, but don't expect a big time friendship even then..

Answer
sounds pretty possessive/controlling to me; as i said, unless she seeks you out, forget about it..the ratings are totally unfair--the first answer was timely, accurate, polite and CRYSTAL clear; you even THANKED me for telling you; the follow up was equally prompt, clear, polite, and no long explanation was necessary; the message was to move on--don't blame the expert if you can't/won't do so..