Expert: Azure - 8/30/2007

Question
My daughter, 19(almost 20), is in a relationship with a boy 18,off and on for about 2 and a half years.  They have broken up in the past two times, he was clingy, jealous...etc. He bashed in the door on her car and then lied about it.  She believed him.  She took him back even after I threatened that I would have nothing to do with him and God help her if she married him.  Well, after being back with him for about 3 months, she got pregnant. I didn't like it but I was there supporting her through it. My daughter and I have always had a real close bond and talked about anything and everything.  She would tell people "my Mom is my hero".  This boyfriend has apparently had a pretty rough childhood.  His father only gives him attention when he races for him at the local racetrack.  The boyfriend was living with his grandfather (dad's father)and his step-grandmother.  His mother died a few years ago. He talked about his mother like she was a saint. Come to find out....that was a lie. She was no better than his father but I guess since she was dead, he forgot the stuff she did to him.  
Anyway, my daughter and this boyfriend ended up getting an apartment together because of the coaxing of his step-grandmother.  He was barely working a minimum wage job and my daughter was pregnant.  We asked her who was going to pay the rent when she was on maternity leave from her job? She didn't know.  She is put on bed rest the last 8 weeks of her pregnancy and is not working.  He is barely going to work, but his employers know his situation and make allowances for him.  (He ends up losing the job later). My daughter has her baby (a son) and wants to come to our home for a couple of weeks, so she'll have some help.  The boyfriend throws a fit and doesn't want her to come to our home.  He is receiving attention from his dad now because of the baby. He's not willing to lose that attention. I also forgot to mention that at this apartment she has no phone, can't drive her car because of doctor's orders and he would leave her there for hours on end.  So she does end up coming home for about 5 days.  She wanted to stay and he through a fit, so she went home. He begged his dad to get him a cell phone (pay as you go) so he could say that she had a phone in case something happened....but he kept it with him.  She came home every weekend and if he wasn't here, he would constantly call...constantly!  If she said she was going to be home by Sunday evening he would start calling around 3p.m. and wouldn't stop until she got home.  Numerous times she would call back after she was home and was crying saying she wanted to come home because they got into a fight.  I would ask her, is it something you can work out?  or I would wait a little while and call back.  I would ask her how things were and sometimes things were fine and sometimes she would still be upset. Once he made a scene at our home because she didn't want to go home yet, he lied and said he had to be at work early in the morning (he didn't)just so she would leave. It ended up getting very heated. My husband (her dad) and the boyfriend were nose to nose and chest to chest. My husband told him he need to grow up or he would help him grow up quickly. The boyfriend wouldn't back down and I had to end up getting between the two with the threat I would knee the first one who threw a punch. They know me well enough, so they separated. Soon after, she started griping that he would never help her around the house. He would work on his race car (he doesn't have a real car...but his family bought him a race car...???)  He would leave her there and go work on the race car and race every Friday night, which cost at least $25.  He would get into the bank acct. and use the debit card to buy parts for this race car. He had them overdrawn at least 3 times that I know of.  Still not working but sporadically. My daughter working full time and going to college and trying to take care of the baby.  I had a break at work one day and knew that he was at home with the baby. The baby was around 8 weeks old. My daughter had went back to work.  So I go over to check on them and was going to give him a break for a little bit.  I turn the corner to their apartment and he's across the street playing basketball with the neighborhood kids (ages around 5 and 9).
I park in the driveway, he comes running over. I asked him how long he had been out here. He says oh only about 5 mins. I get to the door before he does and when I open it, I hear the baby just screaming.  I ran to the baby and gave a loud lecture to the boyfriend and told him I would never leave a child that age alone.  He could have at least had a baby monitor outside so he could hear.  I KNOW he'd been out there way longer than 5 mins.  He is a pathological liar.  So about a month and a half ago, he starts acting a little strange.  No matter what was going on he still was respectful to me to my face.  I'm sure he talked awful behind my back, but would never be outright mean to me to my face. He talks tacky but that's because of his upbringing I'm sure.  I've met his father and grandfather...not too intelligent.  So he's acting strange and I'm asking my daughter... she's not sure.  Come to find out, he was working for a lawn care service and had a 34 yr. old woman who was a client calling him and texting him. My daughter would get online at work and check the mins. since it was a pay as you go phone, and she noticed the texting and calling from this number.  She asked the boyfriend, he didn't know.  So she called the number. Long story short, it is a woman he's been "talking" to.  My daughter happens to intercept a voicemail from her to the boyfriend.  The womans says and I quote "I hope you can come over this evening. I'm on my period right now, but we can do other things".  My daughter is furious.  She calls the woman tells her that she has a relationship and a child with him and for this woman to stop calling.  Then she confronts her boyfriend and he says "well, I needed someone to talk to since we were fighting so much".  My daughter asked why she would leave a message like that if they were just talking?  he said he didn't know why she would leave it, she must be crazy.  yeah ok!!   Then 3 weeks ago, my daughter calls me at work and has been crying.  She wants to know if I'll come over so she can talk to me.  Sure, I'll come over after I get done.  She calls me 2 more times. The second time I tell her I'm done and on my way.  I get there, she's not there yet. So I sit in a chair on the front porch and make some calls home to my younger kids. My daughter, the boyfriend and the baby come home and walk past me.  I don't think anything of it, because I was on the phone.  I finish and turn around to look through the screen door and she's saying to the b/f..."well, I'm not the one who cheated am I?"  So I get up and go in and take the baby and sit and feed him.  I'm not saying anything or contributing to the conversation.  The b/f is sitting on the couch playing a video game like nothing's wrong.  She's trying to talk to him and he's just shrugging off the questions.  He finally says  "well, why don't you leave cuz I'm tired of your ass, get your stuff and leave if you don't like it"   He never takes his eyes off the TV. My daughter is beside herself.  She tells him that one of their friends was there when he got a phone number from a girl. (different girl than the 34 yr. old).  The b/f says without taking his eyes off the TV...."he wasn't there when I got her phone number".  OMG!  I still don't say anything, but now I'm staring at him in astonishment. I can't believe he's this stupid.  My daughter says she's done and tired of his lying to her.  She starts packing up.  After about 10 mins. he PAUSES the game, doesn't turn it off...pauses, and gets his cellphone and walks out the door. I lean forward to look out the door and he's walking down the street.  I finish feeding/burping the baby, put him in his car seat  and then get up to help her. She's crying and upset and telling me how bad he is and what a loser he is and yada yada yada.  I have a huge leaf garbage bag of clothes and the diaper genie under an arm and I go out to put the stuff in my car.  As I'm walking out he's coming up the yard to the apartment.  After I put the stuff in the trunk of my car, I look up and the doors were shut.  I came up and knocked on the door. He starts cussing me, telling me to get the f**K off his property and I hear her yelling at him. I told him he didn't even owned the property, he rented it and he didn't even work enough to pay the rent!! I start banging on the door and tell him I'm not leaving without my daughter and grandson.  He continues to yell and curse me from inside. I hear her scream like he's pushed her and I start ramming my shoulder in the door.  (my cellphone is on the inside or I would have called the cops then)  I told him I would knock the damn door down if he didn't open the door.  He opens the wooden door and keeps screaming at me and cursing. My daughter is yelling at him "that's my mom, shut up, stop screaming at her"  and she's crying hysterical.  I told him I wasn't leaving and my property was in the apartment.  He turns around to get my cellphone and my daughter opened the glass screen door.  I come in and grabbed my phone, stuck it in my pocket, got another bag and started throwing stuff in it.  He said fine he was calling the cops.  I didn't know if he was or not and didn't care.  He tells the operator "there's a woman in my house and she won't leave. I've asked her over and over to leave my house". My daughter is yelling at him that she asked me to come over.  I pop open a garbage bag next to him and said "I'm helping her leave your ass".  He starts screaming at the operator to hurry up and get there. He hangs up, walks out the door, she follows him.  I head in the bedroom to keep packing.  After a few minutes, the baby starts fussing and I go in to finish feeding him.  As I walk in there I see the cops pull up.  My daughter told me later that the cops asked what was going on and the b/f said "I just want her to leave so we can talk".  My daughter said I've asked you all night long to talk and all you did was cuss me in front of your dad and step mom.  She tells the cops that she was living there and was moving out, called me to come help and he was mad I was there. Needless to say, the cops were a little upset with him for calling them out for something so trivial.  They made him leave for an hour so we could get as much as possible packed up.  The cops came in asked me what happened, I told them everything I've said here.  The cops kept talking to my daughter after that telling her what she could or should do and etc.  I finally said, does the hour start after you leave or is the clock ticking now?  they said it was ticking now, so I told them they needed to leave so we could finish up.  As soon as they were out the door, she drops into the chair and starts crying "I don't want to leave him"  Oh for the love of Pete!!  She eventually agrees that she needs to leave after a minute or two.  And says things like, he is a loser isn't he mom?  what was I thinking?  and stuff to that extent.  We get packed up what we can in our two cars, I have the baby in my car  and we leave.  The next morning at day break he calls her and says he's been throwing up all night (he would do this when they had a fight and go to the ER so she felt sorry for him). She asked him why? and he says "there wasn't anything to eat at the house".  I told her that was BS because we didn't take anything from the apt. there was plenty there for him to eat.   Later on he calls her at work and asks her if he got a break that day could she come and talk to him at the apartment.  She said yeah I guess.  So she waits and waits...no call.  So she thinks he hasn't had time for a break (he goes to high school for 2 hours and co-ops the rest of the day-- he should have graduated LAST year) so she goes to the apartment thinking she would be there when he got home. She walks in and there is fast food wrappings everywhere... he had his break with the new girlfriend.  Well, about that time a car pulls up in the driveway... it's the girlfriend in her car with him. He jumps out, mad as hell and starts cussing her. Asking my daughter what in the hell was she doing there, he told her they would talk tomorrow and that was just a friend who would take him to the racetrack since he didn't have a ride anymore. (my daughter had the only car they had).  I told my daughter if that was really "just a friend" he would have said, hey, come meet my friend such and such, she's taking me to the racetrack tonite. He wouldn't have went into defensive mode and started screaming and cussing her.  Needless, to say my daughter was crushed once again.  So later that evening, she went back when she knew he'd be gone and packed up the rest of her and the baby's stuff.  I came by after work and helped load it up and I went home...she left with a girlfriend.  The next day she goes to the apartment to talk to him, he's not there but there are empty condom wrappers beside the bed.  So she says "I'm done, I'm not having anything else to do with him".  She's calling her friends for support, including friends that they share between the two of them and she's upset all evening.  The next day (Saturday) he calls and asked her if she's bringing the baby Sunday to his grandparents house.  She tells him yes she already told them she would be there. He asked all sweet well do you care if I come and see my son?  Of course she says for him to come.  She goes to the grandparents and he NEVER shows up. She's done with him again, never going to have anything to do with him.  Well that whole next week, she would come home late from work...and I mean LATE.
The next week, she starts talking about the b/f to us and coming home even later than before. So to bring you up to date, this last week, she's been saying how she feels like she needs to give him "one more chance", since they have a baby together and she loves him and blah!  The whole family has tried to talk to her. She says,,, I know, but i LOVE him!!!   This weekend she didn't come home Friday night, she told us she had a date with someone new... she lied, she was with the loser, she came home 11 am the next day.  Then her sister had something she was involved in that evening and asked her to come watch her.  She says well I know where it is, I'll be there later probably. ... she never showed and didn't come home until almost 2 pm the next day. Then she stays home that next evening until around 11:30 that night saying she received a call from a friend and they had ran out of gas... yeah right. Then never came home that nite.  I finally got tired of her not being there for her son at night, and I was feeding him, bathing him, rocking him to sleep. When I got on to her for being out all night with him, she sent me an email stating that she was an adult now and she would make her own mistakes and that she loved him.  We tried talking sense into her for 3 weeks. So I finally told her, well you are an adult and you can make your mistakes, but you will be making them on your own, because we won't be here to rescue you this time, and you can go back without your car, your phone and the insurance (for the car). The car was in my husband's name, we made the payments when she was in extracurricular activities in high school, then left it up to her to make them monthly when she was out of school. But the b/f kept driving the car after we had told him repeatedly NOT to drive it, because we weren't supplying him with a vehicle and we didn't have insurance on him to drive it. So if she went back to him this time, she would go back with no car, no insurance and no phone...all of which we supplied for her.  She was mad as hell, came in and packed up the baby, tried to defend him to us and tell us how wonderful he was, and how she didn't want her child from a broken home ?? (they are not married) and while her brother, her sister, her dad and I sat there crying, she told us that she hated us. She then called the b/f and told him we wouldn't let her have the car and she'd have to walk (40 miles is a way to walk). And she's crying hysterically. So he calls his step-grandmother, and they come pick up my daughter and my grandson.  I told her that I was done with the drama and didn't want anything to do with her until she was done with him.  I can't have him disrupting our lives. The next day, my husband calls her because he feels bad now. I told him no, I want her to see that he will not provide for her and that baby. She cried and told him that she loved him and yada yada ... and didn't want us out of her baby's life.  So today, my husband calls her (I've not talked to her and won't) and asks if he could come get the baby to spend the night with us...yeah sure she says.  So he goes and gets the baby, gets 3/4's of the way home and she calls crying and says where are you?  He says we're almost home...she says  can't talk now  (real quick like) and hangs up the phone.  The next thing we know, we're getting a phone call that we have to have the baby back home by 10 pm or their calling the cops. (the b/f in the background screaming) apparently he came home and find out we had the baby.  After several phone calls back and forth, threatening, cussing, crying, we have still have the baby. My husband went ahead and called the cops before the b/f did and told them what was going on.  They call back and said the step-grandma is on the phone and says the mom and dad want the baby back at 10 pm.  My husband calls my daughter and they talk... the b/f is livid.
How do I get her to understand that this will be her life... he has no goals, only has time for her when racing season is not in session, he still has 3 yrs. of english, a year of math, a year of history to finish before he can finish high school, because he got in trouble during his school years and missed alot of school, skipped alot, whatever. He won't keep a job, he's gotten fired from all 4 and one because he was sleeping with the boss' daughter...
My daughter used to be a person with a mind of her own and would never let someone come between herself and her family. This boy has talked to her like she was trash and has brought her down into his trashy life...  they have no car, (supposedly the grandparents have bought him a car), he keeps the cellphone with him, she has no way to get to work, or her 2 night classes, .. the grandmother is apparently getting tired of taking her here and there after only 4 days.  Now my daughter is trying to guilt my husband into giving her the car back.  He told her to get a loan and get it in her name and she could have it back.  So now she's saying she can't believe that we have stranded our daughter and grandson...  she's trying to guilt us.  I think the "tough love" is all we can do now.   I told my husband that I plan on going to court and suing for visitation rights, so there couldn't be anymore drama....
what can I do to convince her this boy is toxic???

Answer
a sad state of affairs--unfortunately, there appears to be nothing more you can do--people have to WANT to change, she doesn't; you should definitely get in touch with the social services department, as some of this behavior is on the border of being harmful to the child, and some sort of "intervention" could be considered; i do think the tough love is the right idea--you can't be in a position of endorsing this unhealthy arrangement; i would also suggest that you personally see a counselor/social worker to help you through this...