Expert: Azure - 11/14/2005

Question
I've been dating an awesomely cute girl for nearly 2 months and we've gotten to a point in our relationship where we're beyond casual dating and tell each other everything personal about ourselves.  I have noticed at times that she does have mood swings and tends to take offense easily.  I don't really bring this up very much because I like going out with her to be fun and less heavy.  However one phrase I often hear from her are variations on "you don't understand what it's like..."  This phrase is often used when the following topics come up in discussion:

-having had two committed relationships already
-having had an abusive spouse
-being rejected completely by her immediate family
-living with chronic pain
-living on welfare
-being a woman
-having had close friends commit suicide
-having attempted suicide
-any combination of the above or all of them together

Yes, it's true that I'm not a woman and will never be and I've never married and I don't suffer from chronic pain or unemployment (at least not presently).  However, I really do honestly care for her and her grief, but I don't know how else to convey this, aside from just saying so, especially since she's so used to previous loved ones betraying her in the past.  Also I do know what it's like to feel like no one understands my pain.  I am human after all, so I've also had my share of dark nights of the soul, but I don't like to bring them up much because I'm not interested in competing in the "who's had the saddest tragedy" contest. (I also don't see how it's constructive in getting oneself out of the pit of despair, even if you do "win")

She's really quite winning when she's in a good mood.  The problem is when she's stuck in a funk.  To aggravate matters, when I try to deal with her self-defeating attitude by just ignoring her, she often says, "I knew you'd do that.  Everyone else has left me. You're not different."  

She will of course later apologize and tell me it was right for me to ignore her and she loves me and all that, but it still stings every time she accuses me that way. (It's also one reason why I stay with her; the good times wipe away the bad, or seem to.)

What are some ways you know that I can deal with this tangled dilemma?  I thank you for your help.

Answer
no need to continue on this line of past history, seeing it's already out there; try to get her to agree on focusing on the PRESENT, unless there is a new issue that relates to the past; if something arises, just try to be as understanding as possible; if you begin to detect an abnormal pattern of depressive thought, the suggestion of counseling might be in order..