Expert: Azure - 11/4/2007

Question
QUESTION: My ex-wife who is still my close friend is now involved in an abusive relationship.  Her new partner is 72 and my ex is 67 (and still very beautiful).  They have been living together for 3 years.  She has always had low-self esteem and was always too compliant to my wishes.  Mike does not let my ex phone me so she does so only when he is not around.  I do not like him.

Between her divorce settlement, the business I set up for her, and an inheritance she is financially well off.

Mike, her new partner is not well off.  He is a businessman who has had more failures than successes.  His latest venture has cost him thousands of dollars, years of his life  and has yet generate one dollar of revenue.  He has little money left.

He needed to settle his debts so my ex co-signed a $200,000 loan with his house as security.  He does not have enough money to service the loan so my ex has to make the monthly payments.  Mike has maxed his credit cards.

My ex complains about the way Mike treats her, flirts with anything in a skirt, has a platonic relationship with a 45 year old woman with whom he spends time every day  and calls "my best friend".

My ex's greatest love is her 4 grandchildren.  My ex's continuing unhappiness with Mike, body language and complaints became so bad that her there was a confrontation between my daughter, my ex and Mike.  My daughter said leave Mike or I cannot see you anymore.  My ex stayed with Mike and has not seen her daughter for 3 months.

My ex was discussing Mike's financial problems with her son.
He was advising she help Mike by paying down his credit card debt and then keep him on a short string for his finances.      It then came out Mike was on his way to pick up a new Mustang costing $40,000.  My son went ballistic.  Mike is now his enemy.

We all know my ex is in an abusive situation.  We want her to leave Mike.  Mike is scared about losing his meal ticket. He threatens her, threatens the family and then turns all loving again within minutes.

We have arranged a furnished apartment for my ex to get away from him.  She wants to go but is afraid of leaving Mike.  She is afraid of his reaction.  She feels it will hurt Mike too much.

My son, daughter and I are all putting pressure on my ex to leave Mike.  We all feel staying with Mike is going to cause serious health problems to my ex. (she has already had a stroke).  What is your suggestion.

ANSWER: you seem to be heading her in the right direction; ultimately, only SHE can elect to in essence save her life; mike is responsible for his own life, and hopefully she'll realize that her leaving may actually lead him to this realization;  you might also want to suggest she begin counseling to overcome her guilt and move on to a healthier life...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The family's concern is how long do we push it.  Our daughter listened to her for 3 years before giving up.  She vacillates between wanting to leave and needing to stay.  We are all very frustrated.  My current partner says "We should never give up.  We should be there for her as long as she needs us."  Meanwhile all our pressure appears to be an excuse for Mike to make her more isolated and more unhappy.  Maybe our pressure is counter productive.

Answer
"being there" is different than continued efforts to try and convince someone to make a change; i'm sure by now you've made your feelings "crystal"; as indicated, the objectivity of a counselor would help; i'd say it's time to back off, see if she really wants to help herself..