Expert: Azure - 3/3/2007

Question
Hi. This is my very long story. Sorry it is so much. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and needed to tell it. Thank you very much for your time!
Ok, Iīm 25 years old and i just broke up with my 24 year old boyfriend of 4 years. Iīm really confused, i think of all the bad things and i know that this is for the best. But then i just miss him terribly and i would want to just fix everything to go back to the good things. We have been fighting too much recently. For stupid things really. I think the main cause is that he feels like he is wasting his time with me. That he is bored with me. We saw each other every day after i got off from work, about 2.5 hours. And on the weekends about 6 hours. We had fallen into a routine. We each live with our parents, he doesnīt work, he has school but itīs only an hour a week. So he has PLENTY of time for himself and his things. But lately, when we were together it seemed like anything we did together was only because i wanted, because if i asked him what he wanted to do, his response was an activity that he would do alone. And he started acting mean, like instead of handing me things, he kind of threw them. When i hugged him, he no longer had the expression of someone who is enjoying it. When i asked him to help me set up the dvd so we could watch a movie, he was all annoyed and asked why i couldnīt do it by myself, and started babbling about how this is what he gets for wanting a girlfriend. This annoyed me and i asked him if he was going to start being mean for no reason, and he replied that maybe if i was another girl he wouldnīt. Many variations of this comments on his behalf where made along the years. I told him that he was making me feel bad, i got sad, and then he started saying over and over that i didnīt love him, because i was sad. I tell him i do, but he assures me i donīt.
I donīt have any friends anymore, cause my free time is dedicated to him. And it didnīt matter to me, because i preferred to be with him. Heīs not a socialite either, though he has kept his old friends by hanging out with them now and then.
He didnīt want anything to do with my family. He wouldnīt accompany me to any of my family things. He said he didnīt feel comfortable, and though it hurt, and i held some resentment because he didnīt have trouble talking or hanging out with other peopleīs family, only mine, i tried to be understanding and not make a big deal out of it.

The latest issue was this:
He curses at me. He curses at everything. Way too much. I donīt mind some cursing here and there, but after hearing it that much i get annoyed. Iīve told him i donīt like it.
Much less when he says it at me. He says that I'm no one to tell him how to speak and that he will call me whatever he wants to. That I'm trying to change him, and that he wonīt. That if i donīt like how he is, i should leave.
I had been feeling very hopeless, because he would call me names, making fun of my flaws. And he knows I'm sensitive about those things. I would tell him that itīs awful, and he would be all 'if you think itīs awful, well...thats how you look, itīs not my fault'. He says heīs just being sincere. He compared his being with me to one of his friends and his girlfriend. He always makes fun of them because he says the girl is very unattractive, and that his friend has to repeat to himself that he loves her to make himself believe it. He brought this up when i told him that i just realized i had gained weight. Which is good for me because I'm very skinny. I was kind of happy because i passed from underweight, to a healthy weight, even tough I'm still very thin. Needless to say my happy news went awry. He put me down a lot, because he isn't a fan of skinny, nor tall (we're about the same height). Plenty of other times when we were intimate he would say good things about my body, but at other times he would say that itīs not that good, or poke fun at my very naked flaws...which made me self conscious and not want him to see me with the lights on anymore.

The last fight started with him poking fun at me, and saying mean things, and then when i got sad or complained about the bad treatment, he would tell me to 'be good'. I would tell him 'you be good'. Once i started to tell him that i needed him to quit being so nasty to me, he acted all annoyed and offended, ignored everything i said, and only replied 'you sure love to waste time, don't you', and that i only say stupid things, because i went ahead and complained about how i do listen to him when something bothers him, but that he wont do the same for me and then treats me even worse. He pretended not to pay attention to anything i said. I got so frustrated that i cried. He hung up on me on account that he had better things to do than to hear me. To yap and cry to the mirror.
Later that day we started debating on something that i saw one way, and he another. As he didnīt understand my point, he said it didnīt matter anyway. That for someone to see it that way, it must mean that theyīre retarded. He told me, and i'm cleaning up his words here, to go to hell. I told him not to talk to me like that. He repeated them a couple of times more, as i repeated to not say it too. We were standing near the bed, i grabbed him and threw ourselves to it, in frustration. He put resistance, so it didnīt go all that smoothly. He landed on top of me, my arms around him. He got mad at me for being physically abusive. He brought up the times that i slap him. I have to admit i do. Sometimes when he keeps trying to pick fights with me, or constantly repeats an insult and doesnīt stop when asked to, i resort to slapping on the thigh or the butt, whichever is at hand. I know he doesnīt like it, and i do repress my urge to slap him as much as i can, but sometimes i do it anyway.

He has slapped me too, though. Not hard either. Heīs done it when he says I'm being 'bad' for telling him to be nice!
Once, he demanded i be 'good', but when i said that he should too, suddenly i was being 'bad', he demanded that i respond a simple yes without telling him what to do. I told him i needed to use his bathroom. He wouldn't let me go until i said it. He physically kept me in his room. This lasted a couple of minutes until my urge to go was greater, so i just said it. Convincingly.

In this last fight he threw me out of his house, he threatened to make me leave by shoving me out of there. I didn't want to leave and leave things like this. I wanted to talk. Sort it out. Calmly. He didn't want to listen and told me to get out, that i was the intruder there and that he had things to do. That i don't deserve to be treated nicely. That i deserve every insult. That he would much rather be with another girl who's not like me. That if it so happens that she doesn't like him swearing at her, he'll dump her too and get another one. He said i wasn't necessary to him at all, that he would just find another girl and forget all about me. I realized i was getting dumped, so i grabbed my things and left. This was monday and we haven't spoken since.

It worries me that maybe he acts like he doesn't care because he thinks i don't care. Because maybe because of my insecurities or sadness due to his maybe jokingly comments, i give off a vibe that i'm not happy with him or that i don't love him. I worry that i have made him not have any respect for me, because every time we fight i always go after him. I do this because i love him, and i realize it was a stupid fight, and so not worth losing him over it, even when he is the one out of line. I can't stand being apart and mad. But then, i worry that maybe he's been wanting to get rid of me, but i don't let him because i'm always trying to solve everything so we can be good again, even if it means swallowing my pride. I know that when he is mad he says all sorts of hurtful and stupid things that he doesn't mean. He has told me this. But now i think i can't tell the difference anymore, and it has gotten tiring for me to simply assume that he doesn't mean it, so it's ok.
What do you think? If he doesn't call, should i try to talk to him and at least end things on a calmer note? It kills me to watch everything end like this after all we've been through. But i don't want him to feel like he will never get rid of me either.

Thanks again for your patience and time.

Answer
every woman's dream guy; the only real question here is why your self-esteem is so low, and insecurity/dependence so high, that you haven't dumped this jerk LONG AGO?..you're probably the only person that doesn't realize how unhealthy this abusive arrangement is; you can't let fear of loss allow you to settle for so much less than you deserve; the guy is TOTALLY disrespectful, self-absorbed, is doing NOTHING with his life and taking it out on you, is totally inconsiderate, WAY too sure of you...in a word a complete asshole; what will it take for you to come to your senses, stop wasting precious time, regain your life/friends by never speaking to him again?..so, your choices are to continue this miserable, prisoner-like addiction, or find the strength/courage to rid yourself of this albatross, once and for all...take your pick..