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Abusive Relationships/My fiance thinks I was a slut

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Barry wrote at 2009-02-05 20:40:09
calling this an abusive relationship is terribly unfair.  you said yourself that you lied about your sexual history with him.  That is what you have to overcome.  he does not trust you, and has probably been burned by a promiscuous woman in the past.  often promiscuous women are indecisive in their actions with men, and they will begin to think that promiscuity causes this, and leads to heartbreak.  he might not have consented to have a child with you, if he knew your history, and because you lied to him, he did, and now he is stuck with a moral dilemma of wanting to be there for the child and provide that lifestyle.  obviously sex is more important to you than to him.  if this is an irreconsilable short term difference to you, then so be it, but you should try and retain his trust and prove that you only lied because you wanted him to like you, and you didn't like your own number, not because you are a liar and will cheat on him.  i dont believe that most women really like the current system where you have 35-40 partners in a normal, average woman's lifetime.  i think it has just become normal and people accept it, though they don't really like it, because of self-esteem issues.  you're not a bad girl, and you shouldn't be made to feel like one, but what you did to him in lying to him has created this problem. it is your problem to fix, not his.


zbradva wrote at 2009-09-10 15:22:46
i'm in the same situation.  I married my husband anyway but nothing changed for us.  it's only been 2 months but I already know that I made the biggest mistake of my life.  He does love me but does not VALUE me at all.  Last nite he called me a fat, nasty whore and he broke my finger.  He hasn't even apologized yet as if he feels justified because he thinks of me this way.  Don't waste your time with counseling just leave.  



P.S Don't rely on children to help things get better,...we have two!


chris wrote at 2009-11-03 19:54:12
My gorgous lady has been very promiscous in her past but that was all part of making her the person she is today. I love and adore her and wouldnt change anything about her incluing her past. If your man cant accept anything about you. thats his loss dont stand for physical or verbal abuse. How dare he break you finger


ian wrote at 2010-09-07 00:00:26
Chris is right. Agonising to that degree about the past is ridiculous. The future is much more important. Perhaps you and your boyfriend should gain a better understanding of his distaste for your past promiscuity.



From an evolutionary standpoint there is the fear of paternal uncertainty (look it up) deeply ingrained in men. Perhaps your boyfriend is envious because may have suffered sexual frustration / inability to attract women in his past.



Perhaps you can help by explaining your behaviour in such a way that is not apologetic, and is aimed at making him see that you did nothing wrong. Because you didn't and he is not justified in insulting you about it.



In my experience his fundamental error is giving in to the strong temptation to compare your life with his. Our culture has different roles for men and women particularly in the realm of sex so it is unwise to make that comparison.



Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together so you should sort this out prior to marrying him.


Bob wrote at 2010-10-03 18:03:49
I'd totally side with your b/f, and totally understand his feelings of not respecting you, and not being attracted to you sexually.



It is not a question of wanting to respect you, but whether he actually does it or not. He just doesn't.



You have to realize that it is totally normal for a man to not respect or feel attracted to you given your history. By sleeping around you simply became much less attractive woman to most men.



Sounds funny, but that is just the way (evolution) has designed us. This is not a great analogy - but it is just as if you realized that your b/f had IQ 80...



When, in addition to this, you've "lured" him into having a child with you, I am surprised that he has not left you already. It can only be for the child's sake.



I'd say that you have not only been promiscuous but also very egoistical.



And I do realize that many modern women are in the same situation as you. Once upon a time very attractive for men, now used items, and a lot less attractive.



Sad really.  


JT wrote at 2010-10-06 23:48:20
Oh my, I am completely appalled at the responses to this dilemma.



Bob and Barry - I have to say you two are extremely ignorant and pathetic (esp. Bob). Your statement was insensitive and reeked of your blatant cluelessness about women. I would feel sorry for any woman who ends up with you.



To the person who wrote this question, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And it breaks my heart that you have bought into what this guy thinks about you. There is nothing wrong with. Our society has caused a lot of problems with its propaganda on this. And there is a sickening double-standard with genders.



The truth is, he is completely insecure, and that is not your fault. And because of his insecurity, he says terribly insulting things in hopes of making you feel bad about yourself. I know you posted this a few years ago, but please tell me you have left this person. No decent human being would ever say those things to you. The only problem you have here is getting guilted into staying in a relationship with a verbally abusive, insecure and selfish person.



Hopefully he has changed and apologized profusely to you by now or you have left him long ago. I have dealt with a similar situation. Would love to talk to you more about this. Leave a msg on here, and we can get in touch.


ksan wrote at 2010-10-10 19:08:40
The mistake is obviously yours. This amounts to cheating! And he is just a victim of your cheating.. Walking out of the marriage is not the solution. If you love him, stay with him and make him love you.



Touch your heart and tell to yourself - Are you not thinking about any person from your past ? Not even one ? The fact is you would involuntarily keep thinking about men from your past esp when idle. So who is betraying ? Is it not you ?



DO NOT SEE OTHER GUYS OR EVEN THINK OF THEM. Things will change. Had you been honest before, there is a chance he would have agreed and things could have been fine... You ruined it.



Anywayz, stay with him and get him out of that blockade. If you love him.


Kamper One wrote at 2011-04-10 02:36:01
Okay let me start by saying he absolutely still loves you and its up to you to make it work!



Background:

My ex-girlfriend had a past that we discussed before we started dating two years ago. The past is the past, she wanted to change her life for the better and was done with sex based relationships. I believed her and we started to work on our relationship which became stressed due to other issues. We broke up two days before I was going to propose to her.



Despite her 37 sexual partners and my childhood issues I can tell you I loved her.



We remained separated for 4 months before we started talking again and in that time she went back to her old ways and slept with 3 guys. A one night stand, a pseudo boyfriend, and a player who got off having sex with her behind that guys back. She confessed that she felt bad and did it to forget me but it still is no excuse.



She hasn't changed and in the end, it has kept us apart.



Solution:

What you have to realize is that you are his treasure and despite how the equality/anti social double standard ideology try to paint it, that's how we see the mother of our children. We want women to be better than men because you are the gatekeepers. Guys don't have sex unless a women lets them.



You have a big problem, but you are also blessed with a guy who wants a family with you. Definitely fight to keep your family together. Do anything in your power to become the person you want to be and he will notice the change. You can't blame him for being hurt, it is your fault for letting someone like him fall in love with you. He still loves you, but he doesn't know how to reconcile his feelings of disrespect, pride, and defeat. Help him. Be straight with him always and never surrender.



You can fix this.  


OP wrote at 2014-02-05 22:34:02
I'm the original poster...our kid is 7 now and I'm pregnant with our second child. Nothing has changed as far as how he thinks of me and the name calling.  He "proposed" to me six years after this post and we've already missed the wedding date. I never cheated on him. I'm not interested in anyone from my past nor have I entertained anyone else since we've been together. Im still called nasty whores, and disgusting. Now in front of our son.  I refused to have oral sex with him a night after he humiliated me and instead of apologizing, he went to another woman's house and sent me naked pictures. I'm nine months pregnant and work in a very stressful environment. This situation has had me suicidal and beyond hopeless. I made mistake of showing him this post a fee years after I reached out, hoping he would understand and he uses the commenters that agree with him as proof that this is what I deserve. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but just know there's nothing I haven't tried to do to keep this family together and yet nothing works. And to clarify, my sexual history was clear to him before we had a child together. I caution anybody dealing with a partner that doesn't forgive and makes excuses to disrespect to leave the situation before you wind up in a place that I'm in right now. It's been heartbreaking to say the least. Nobody deserves this.


OP wrote at 2014-02-05 22:34:09
I'm the original poster...our kid is 7 now and I'm pregnant with our second child. Nothing has changed as far as how he thinks of me and the name calling.  He "proposed" to me six years after this post and we've already missed the wedding date. I never cheated on him. I'm not interested in anyone from my past nor have I entertained anyone else since we've been together. Im still called nasty whores, and disgusting. Now in front of our son.  I refused to have oral sex with him a night after he humiliated me and instead of apologizing, he went to another woman's house and sent me naked pictures. I'm nine months pregnant and work in a very stressful environment. This situation has had me suicidal and beyond hopeless. I made mistake of showing him this post a fee years after I reached out, hoping he would understand and he uses the commenters that agree with him as proof that this is what I deserve. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but just know there's nothing I haven't tried to do to keep this family together and yet nothing works. And to clarify, my sexual history was clear to him before we had a child together. I caution anybody dealing with a partner that doesn't forgive and makes excuses to disrespect to leave the situation before you wind up in a place that I'm in right now. It's been heartbreaking to say the least. Nobody deserves this.


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