Expert: Azure - 9/20/2006

Question
i have been married for 13 years and seperated for 1 year, i cannot seem to find the courage to change and move on and even believe that my husband is abusive, i feel crazy.

always has he threatened to leave me when he got angry with me, i would cry, beg and plead for him not to and promise to change and be more respectful of him.

i had an affair with a man who ended up being a liar but at any rate i got some courage so when my husband said he didnt love me and didnt want to be with me and hadnt for a very long time i finally for the first time said fine leave well he didnt want to he waited for me to grovel which i stood my ground and did not do, 8 months of sadness over my marriage he said he loved me so much has changed and didnt mean what he said, but im having a hard time connecting with him and being intimate because i do not trust him and find good reason because when he gets mad he still says things that are inappropriate and in front of the children, he again recently said he didnt want to be married to me and has hired an attorny.

question why cannot i not let go of this sick relationship. i keep thinking maybe he is right maybe i was disrespectful maybe i cannot be happy. i feel like a failure all i wanted was a family and miss the comforts of the family together (when it was good it was very very good and when it was bad it was horrid)

where to find the strength and confidence to be okay and without him?

Answer
it's one reason why people go to counselors; using that route, the hope is by increasing your self-esteem and lessening your insecurites, you gain the confidence to make the right choice; thusly, it's usually a longer journey than "finding" a magic switch or looking at some expert email answer; i will say that certainly you have much more to gain than lose by leaving, and could list all the reasons that you probably already know; but in lieu of counseling, that leaves only YOU to change your perceptions, realize that precious time is being wasted, and that the choice is to press the JUST DO IT button or live in quiet desperation..