Expert: Azure - 11/15/2006

Question
I have been married for almost 8 years, however we've been together for about 9 years now.  When we first got together things were lovely.  I had three children from previous relationships and was unable to conceive anymore children when we initially hooked up.  He was aware of that and was also aware that there was a possibility that I could get surgery to have more children if we wanted to.  
I guess it all started a few years after we were together.  He would make lude comments about my children's sperm donors and constantly remind them that their dad's did not want them or care for them because their fathers refused to financially support them, only when I was away.  His family shunned us and never accepted us as part of the family and labeled me as a whore and a user from day one.  My family just assumed that we were an odd couple, because he was so different than the type of men that I would normally go out with.
My children would also tell me that he would become physically abusive towards them whenever I would leave and go towork or something.  Of course, they did not share this with me until recently.  I think the defining moment of our relationship came shortly after the Sept 11th incident occurred.  When businesses started suffering financially and laying off workers.  We both worked for the same company but in different departments and on different floors.  We were part of the downsizing and bot of our departments were shut down and 176 workers got layed off.  We had emough savings to live on for 3 months which we felt was plenty of time to seek gainful employment.  Much to our dismay we were unsuccessful in our efforts.  To top it all off, his mother had become extremely ill and needed around the clock care.  
My husband decided that we should all relocate to another state to help take care of his mother and avoid some of the hardship that was about to come our way.  So we all packed up and drove 11 hours from GA to MI.  For the first week everyone was real excited to see us and his mother was extremely excited to have us there to help her.  It was all downhill after that.  His mother eventually got better and started being her natural evil self.  Jobs were so scarce in the part of MI where we lived you could not even get a job at McDonald's, no one was hiring almost out of savings in a desperate attempt to keep our family afloat, we invested in a home based business with the Note Network as brokers.
My husband stated that he would continually work outside of the house while I would build the home business and would not have to worry about finances.  As with anything it took me almost 60 days to receive our first payment from the business, it was great.  Unfortunately, my husband had it directly deposited in one of his accounts where he was the only card holder.  He gave his mother most of the money and left us with only $1000 of it.  I was so furious, but I remained silent because we were living in his mothers house.  We just needed so much, the kids and I and even him.  Needless to say the situation kept gradually getting worse, his mother was being more disrespectful to me and my children, my husband began to follow suit and be disrespectful to me and more abusive to my children.  It was as if he were punishing us for me not making the money fast enough and the children for not being his natural children.
Finally I had enough, I was even contemplating suicide, which I had never ever done before we moved there.  I could not take it anymore, I informed my husband that we were moving to AZ and he could either stay there with his evil mother or come with us.  All I know is that I wanted to save my life and the lives of my children and that we had to get the Hell out of there quick.  So we packed everything in our minivan and left MI.  The tension in the van was so thick it was crazy.  At this point I had not slept with my husband in almost a year.  I did not even want him touching me or kissing me after the way he and his family behaved.  I figured maybe once I get him away from his family he would be able to think more freely and be a better husband and step-father, without being around so much negativity.  We barely spoke to each other the whole way eventhough the trip took us 3 and a half days to drive.
When we first arrived it was as if we were all on a honeymoon.  Everything was nice and fun, surprisingly enough we even had sex a couple of times.  I thought that our marriage would be saved and that maybe it was the influence of his family that made him act so mean and hateful.  Boy was I wrong!  His behavior had acutally gotten progressively worse.  At first I worked as a loan officer.  He was excited about the position and would hound me every second about my loans and when I was getting paid and my commission split.  He would citicize my work and claim that I did not know what I was doing and claimed that the company I was working with was not paying enough.  He never once offered a word of encouragement or even showed me that he was even interested in this part of the business, only how much money I was brining in and how often.  If a deal fell through he would blame me and tell me that I did not know what I was doing and that I could have saved it so that I could make us more money.  Anything to do with me getting more educated in the real estate business, the more he would just roll his eyes at me and start talking negative about what I was doing.  So much to the point that I picked up a second job to make even more money working until 11pm.  I was wearing myself out trying to make sure that I made enough money for us.  At the time he had not and refused to work.
He even homeschooled the children as an excuse for him not to seek outside employment.  Finally after the kids complained over his teaching style and abusive language, I took the kids and enrolled them in school.  He was furious with me, but I had told him that he needed to find sometype of employment.  Hoping that would improve his self-esteem and maybe the way he spoke to us.  He finally landed a job with a pool company cleaning pools.  Totally outside of his expertise and knowledge or previous work experience.  We lived in a nice neighborhood and it looked as if we were finally landing on our feet, I was then approached about a more rewarding career which would entail me getting licensed not only as a mortgage broker, life/health license as well as my securities 6 & 63 license as well.  I was so excited that I wanted to tell my husband that I could get paid from the whole financial industry and not just the mortgages.  Mind you at this point I had not slept with him for over a year.  Our marriage was so estranged that we were living as roommates other than husband and wife.  We were invited into a couple of the associates homes for gatherings, my husband would be so anti-social, he would sit in the background and look mean.  After the gathering was over I asked why he was acting that way and he stated that they had everything that he ever wanted.  It pissed me off, everything that my new circle of friend invited me to he would roll his eyes in disgust and volunteer to stay home.  I would attempt to study to get my license and he would stay on the computer for the time I needed to study or try to keep me distracted with meaningless conversation.  
He said out of his mouth that he supported me in this expansion and strive for financial independence, but he would constantly criticize and complain about what I was doing.  One night he got into a heated argument with my children now almost grown and it was brought to my attention that he could have possibly touched my daughter inappropriately.  I immediately called the police, the investigator stated that they could not confirm or deny whether or not he touched her.  Of course, he will never admit it.  So, I took a day off, rented a U-Haul and moved me and my children to another place.  The house that we moved into was unfinished and under construction.  We did not even have use of the kitchen.  My furniture had to sit outside and began to get damaged.  Then the kids contacted my husband in a desperate attempt to help us out of the situation.  I ended up packing our belongings and putting them in staorage and moving back in with my husband.  I am positive that this was the worse moves.  I lost my weekly paying job and I am still studying for all my licenses so that I can move on and become a little more financially stable.  I am getting alot of help from my team.  However, my daughter attempted to kill herself and I recently suffered an anxiety attack.  We were both hospitalized months apart of course.  But, for the past 3 months that we have lived with him he has became the most selfish, mean spirited person that I want to run away from as fast as I can.  He attempts to not only manipulate everything, he tries to break our spirits and confidence by being mean, nasty and disrespectful.  Everyday it is something else with him.  What I want to know, am I being punished for wanting out of this unhappy marriage?  Other than getting a low paying job, am I making the correct business decision to bring a little more financial independence to my children and myself? What else can I do to get us away from this man, in the past few days he has yelled at the top of his lungs that we need to get the hell out of his house?  I feel helpless at this point, I have no place to go and we are out here away from my family (I am not that close with them)and I am in a fight to pass my exam at the end of the month.  Anything that you can share with me at this point would be helpful!  

Answer
it's hard to imagine why you haven't left this jerk for good LONG AGO; i think at this point, no point looking back; we both know you MUST remove him from your life forever; that leaves the practical concerns of where to go; from this distance, i can't definitively answer that, except to say that temporarily staying with family or friends (close or not), needs to be looked at, along with whatever other options you might have..you might even call the social services dept in the city you're in to see if they can help..