Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 10/17/2006

Question
I have recently come to realize that I am in a verbally abusive relationship.  I started counseling on my own a few months ago because I felt like something just wasn't right in my life.  I begged my husband to go to counseling with me, but he refused.  He also refuses to admit anything is wrong here.  We just argue like all couples argue.  Not true.  Now that I have been educating myself on the truth of verbal/emotional abuse, I know that.  I've been allowing my husband to mistreat me and have lost all sense of self because of it.  Some examples of what I feel is abusive:  Angry outbursts for insignificant reasons; blaming me for all arguments and blaming me for "loving to start a fight"; name calling (b___, c___, stupid, idiot); hurtful words or names followed by "why can't you take a joke"; etc., etc.   I am working hard to find myself again and at the same time am trying to learn how to deal with the verbal abuse.  At first I had a hard time even calling it abuse because I thought to myself, that's crazy, he loves me, he's not abusing me.  Now that I can step back and see what is happening, I know it's abuse.

My biggest concern right now is that I just feel so confused about everything.  I don't want to live under this ugliness any more, but I also don't want to tear my family apart (2 kids together).  I also want my kids to know that this isn't a healthy relationship.  I keep trying to get my husband to seek help for these issues (either together or on his own) and he refuses to admit there is anything wrong.  Will I ever have a moment of clarity and stop feeling so torn?  Is there hope that things can get better or am I holding on to false hope?  Should I have left long ago?  Will I ever be me (whoever that is) again?

Answer
Dear Jill

It is possible to find clarity and serenity anywhere, including in an abusive relationship. However, it is extremely difficult. You need to start discussing with your counselor (1) setting appropriate boundaries and (2) picking appropriate enforcement measures. It may be that you will have to leave. If you do, you will be making a conscious choice for the health of yourself and your children, which is a good thing.