Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 7/19/2007

Question
Hi.

  I Googled “female promiscuity” because I have an issue and I hope one of your readers can give me some insight. I'm VERY glad I stumbled upon this site b/c the readers seem to have healthy, intelligent responses.

Okay..here goes (and this is a VERY touchy subject for me so please bear with me as I try to get it all out....)

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now and we have a four month old son.  Although we weren't married at the time he was conceived, we planned for our child and we have plans on marrying this October. For the most part, we are pretty responsible.
However, I have doubts about making that final plunge b/c I feel like he doesn't really accept who I am and where I came from.

Before I met him, I slept around a little.  Not like the "whole football team after a night of vodka" but over the course of 15 years, probably about 25 or 30.  I'm not trying to make excuses but it's not like any of these were one night stands.  I knew these guys and although I should have used a little more discretion I never viewed myself as a slut or whore and people that know me have never thought of me in that light.   I was always pretty good about keeping my business to myself...

Either way, when we first got together, I wasn't completely honest with the number of guys I had been with.  I gave him a ballpark figure so he would get the idea that I wasn’t an angel but as far as exact numbers and exact dates, I was vague and stretched the truth.  My last relationship before this was kinda painful. I was “with him” for two years but the guy never wanted to commit. I cared deeply for him.  After it was over, I felt silly for hanging around so long and when we went our separate ways, I got a little wild; sleeping with ten guys in a three month period. But I always thought of that as a period in my life and not a habit.  In a way, I have regrets about not being upfront with my current boyfriend because I feel if we could have went our separate ways then, we wouldn’t have this ON-GOING issue now.

Anyway, he kept asking and asking about my sexual history.  He says the reason he was so adamant about it is because I gave off the slut vibe (not his exact words) when I made the first move. So, I eventually told him the entire truth (because I really do believe in honesty) and our relationship has not been the same.

We don’t have sex anymore.  He says he’s not sexually attracted to me because my “vagina has too many miles” (his exact words).  And he’s even gone on to say that it “doesn’t feel good”.  He also believes that none of the guys I was with ever respected me because “they wouldn’t commit to a slut” and because it was some what of a pattern, I didn’t respect myself.  



IT HURTS A LOT!  I’m not a mind-reader and I believe that experience is life’s best teacher.  I came from a hectic household and I never had much real guidance when it came to men so I kind of had to learn as I went.  I mean, I never imagined a marriage where this was an issue.  I could be more understanding if we were both abstaining for religious reasons or health reasons but he’s got this mental block and it hurts that he thinks it only affects him.  I fell obligated to satisfy him with oral sex since he refuses to have intercourse 1) to keep him happy and 2) because I don’t want the guilt from him about what I did with who.  He doesn’t make an effort to satisfy me and I have taken any sexual feelings I have and repressed them or masturbate.  It’s really embarrassing and this is hard to share but I don’t know where else to go.

I’ve been faithful and I’m trying to be patient but something about this doesn’t feel right.  He doesn’t seem to want to let me move on especially now that we have a child citing that as the reason.  I don’t want to seem petty and I truly hope this doesn’t come across as such but when you KNOW someone has so much disdain for you over your past, it’s hard to FEEL truly loved.  I don’t feel accepted and it hurts.  He doesn’t seem to understand and if I bring up sex to him, I’m afraid he will think that’s all I care about. I understand fully our society’s views on female promiscuity and in a way I think I may have been rebelling against those stereotypes because I think it’s unfair to label people.  Human beings are so complex and to judge them based on one facet of their life is premature. Safety is one thing but to label someone is wrong.

He’s a good person but I’m concerned I’m not the one for him.  I’ve mentioned counseling and I’ve been as honest with as I can with no change.  I’m terrified of being stuck in a loveless relationship but I’m terrified of walking away for the sake of our family and the foundation that we’ve started to build.  


I don’t know guys. This plagues me EVERYDAY and I want to make the right decision.  Is it fair for him to treat me this way? I want to understand where it’s really coming from so PLEASE respond honestly. Am I to be punished the rest of my life because of poor decision making in my past? Please help….


Answer
Dear Erica

It is worse to marry someone that doesn't love you than to sleep with someone that doesn't love you. Bottom line, he appears to have made up his mind that he doesn't love you or at least doesn't respect you enough to have a loving relationship with you. I would cancel the wedding and see if counseling would help. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.