Expert: Azure - 11/29/2007

Question
QUESTION: Josh and I started dating about 4 years ago. We have known each other since we were teenagers through mutual friends.

In the beginning it was typical loving relationship, we moved in together at about 4 months in. About 9 months in I got pregnant. We have discussed marriage, but He knows I would like to have a nice wedding so we have put off the actual marriage until we can afford a decent ceremony and ring.

The pregnancy was good, i had a few minor heath complications and he was very attentive and good to me.

We had our son and when he was about 6 months old, the stress officially set in. We have no extra money now and we struggle paycheck to paycheck.

When he gets home from work he is super stressed. Most of our arguments stem from petty issues. if I forgot to orders eggrolls with our Chinese take-out, he will accuse me of ignoring him.  If I misunderstand something he says, he accuses me of not paying attention to him. I try to tell him I have a lot on my mind with our son and work, but he thinks that "tune him out" just so I don't have to listen to him.

I have also been under stress at work, sometimes (ok a a lot) my mind wanders and i miss an exit while driving or forget to stop by the store on the way home.

I can understand this is frustrating, if he asks me to stop by the store and pick up something and I come home empty handed. He thinks I do this on purpose because "I'm not happy unless I'm fighting with him". I have tried to see a counselor for my stress issues. He now uses that against me saying "you're the one who had to go to a counselor not me". I feel like i am always on my toes, and it only a matter of time before I say the wrong thing and send him on a pissed off rant.

In his arguments, he fights mean. He resorts to name calling and personal attacks on my character. If he drives me to tears, he feels like he has won.



ANSWER: have you considered the possibility that it's really all over here but for the shouting?..during a moment when things are calm, you need to inform him that unless he agrees to cooperate in finding more appropriate ways of communicating with each other, you're no longer interested in staying in the relationship; this cooperation would include his agreeing to go to couples counseling with you; if he refuses to consider your plea, then your choices are an unhappy life of quiet desperation, or leaving...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I guess most who come here already know the answer to the question. We just need the emotional support of knowing we are doing the right thing. My biggest concern is the effect this has on the child.  I know fighting parents
are not good for the childs emotional upbringing, but it comes down to choosing between fighting parents and a single mom struggling to feed her child. A child support settlement doesn't contribute the same income as 2 people working together. We both have the same goals in life and both want the same things...we just cant seem to get it together for the sake of the family.

What does it take to convince a man to seek couples counseling and why to they feel so threatened by an objective point of view? And what kind of couples counseling is something that we could afford? Any professionals I have seen cost a fortune and require a lot of time from work.

Answer
i don't believe in staying in bad relationships for the child's sake (probably a MORE detrimental scenario), or for financial reasons; single moms find ways to get by; as for "convincing", many insensitive, hard-headed types are not readily convincible, like the guy you're with; the only way to get their attention is to INFORM them of the 2 remaining options, as explained previously; if you're going to let fear of loss get in the way, don't expect things to change, except for the worse; as to costs, some will base it on ability to pay, and have later hours; also, the social services dept of your town might be able to help; you'd need to make some phone calls/ask questions...also, this is many times covered by insurance...