AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer questions directly related to your challenging relationships. I will give you a straight forward answer to what I think the problem is.
Experience I have the experience needed to help you sort out how to work through your relationship. I meet weekly with people who have challenging relationships so let me help you!
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Question QUESTION: I have got frustrated by the situation I have here: I am 26 years old, Iranian, I met V, a nice loving gentleman through an internet friend 3 years ago. It was my first experience of falling in love with a man... we started chatting on a daily basis, discovered that we had a lot in common... he shared with me almost everything, from the sad stories of his childhood, his depression situation, stories of his past relationships, his passion for music and beauty..during all that time, I acted both as a therapist and a lover..despite all the difficulties, I kept listening to him talking about his relationships with other women, him wanting to hang out with women to help his depression situation, him wanting to be 100% honest with me and not hiding things from me, telling me about the details of his sexual relationships with this and that lady when we both knew we wanted to meet eachother and get married, but he was not financially/emotionally prepared, because he had lost his job and was through all these anxiety/depression episodes too. There were nights I couldn't sleep, I used to cry a lot, feeling emotionally hurt as a woman, at the same time feeling guilty about my feelings, because I wanted V to feel healthy, thus allowing him to keep hanging out with women seemed the best thing to do. I kept praying to God to help V and I with this situation. Finally we met in person last year, and both got enchanted by eachother. He still had the depression/anxiety, but took that LONG trip from US just to meet me. He was so loving, and I got enchanted by him immediately. We decided to get married (we always knew that, though), then he was back, he went through more anxiety episodes, he had sex with another lady and told me about it, I felt so bad, at the same time, he kept telling me that he didn't want to hide things from me, and that he needed sex for feeling a bit better..he had got suicidal several times before and was even hospitalized at one point, so I knew his situation was pretty bad. He kept telling me that if I had been here, he would have never wanted to have sex with other women, and this all happened because he needed intimate human contact and I was away, waiting for all this paperwork to be done for my fiance visa. So..finally..to make a long story short, I arrived here 4 months ago, he was excited and apparently healthy the first few weeks, then he started getting back to anxiety/depression episodes..He was on tons of medication before my arrival, but he had decided to stop taking pills because they had bad side effects on him. So, by the time I was here, he was just on Paxil, then decided to stop taking that. He did this and went through terrible withdrawal effects for 4 weeks. Then he started getting anxiety attacks and it seemed that he was back to the bad situation he always had.
Now, why I'm frustrated...the main reason is despite all his love for me, V has zero interest in having sex with me, and he says it's because of depression, which I understand. Then he says that he watches pornos when I'm away and masturbates instead, and he says it's not my fault at all, and that's how he is. I am a very emotional/passionate woman, and I have all the potential in me to make my sex partner happy. V is the first man of my life, and I had always intended to be a loyal wife to him. That's neither in my culture, nor a personality trait of me to swing in different relationships just to keep myself satisfied. So you can understand how I yearn to stick to him. Yet, practically, I get zero sexual satisfaction from him, all while this is my first intimate relationship with a man, and I love him so much I cannot leave him either, specially after all the difficulties both of us were through and concerning the depression situation he has, and that he is totally prone to commit suicide.
I am a talented person with a lot of energy and sympathy for the people who need me, I am kind-hearted and affectionate, I am creative and smart. I have always been successful and happy..a lot of academic achievements, a nice job back in Iran, and a lot of nice supporting friends here and there. Honestly, this is the first time in my life I feel I'm defeated, because this situation seems to be out of my control and I don't know what to do about it to make it better. I know I could have such a brilliant life if I had a healthy partner who could satisfy the minimum requirements for a married relationship, including a normal sex life. It's funny because I don't even demand that much..generally, I can have an orgasm in 10 minutes with a nice loving partner as V is, and I would be happy and super-energetic for at least the next 3 days after that... super-productive and full of joy. But concerning V's situation I am deprived even of that. I feel a lot of my mental energy goes to V, thinking of ways to improve this situation, and above all, feeling emotionally and sexually frustrated, because he is totally turned off to me. I have had a lot of hard nights when I could not sleep, I got up and went downstairs (I live with my mother-in-law and father-in-law..they are downstairs, we are upstairs..we share the bathroom and the kitchen) I sat somewhere and cried, feeling helpless. This has been repeated more than 30 times in the last 3 months..at one point, I even wanted to commit suicide, which was totally shocking to me getting to that point. I used to be the most optimistic happy person with a lot of positive energy.
I don't know what to do, I just thought perhaps you could have suggestions. Please let me know if you have any advice..anything. I definitely needed to write to you about all this.
Thank you in advance for reading this,
R.
ANSWER: R.
I think you aren't married so this is what I would encourage you to do. GO HOME. This is not a healthy guy to be with. I would have told you that in the beginning. He is unstable and you will not be the one to "cure" him. Things will not be getting better for you if you marry him. I am curious why you chose to be with him after knowing how damaged he was? He was using you as a therapist and did not see you as a person with whom he could share a life with. You have a choice now. Do you stay and tolerate it or do you leave and have a lesson learned. I would suggest you leave and learn a lesson.
David
www.help4life.net
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QUESTION: Dear David,
Thank you so much for the reply, but I am married to this guy for 5 months now. If not, definitely I wouldn't be here. I'd be home now.
The reason I got involved with this guy is that he has nice qualities which I value, also, I wanted to help him out of his situation, but actually, as you mentioned, seems I'm not the person to do this anyway. Despite my deep love for him, I see that this situation is hurting me so bad. Also, once that we discussed the possibilities of me wanting to get back home (while we're still married, so that I can have a break at least), he just burst into tears so bad, and said he was so sorry and he was doing his best, but he could not take life without me and this and that. I did not want him to hurt himself, so I stayed, and I even started my own therapy sessions to have an outlet for all this. But this doesn't work for me, since I have started getting all these symptoms, nautious in the morning, dizzy before sleep... I also have lost my passion and vitality, my sexual feelings seem to be crippled now, and I do know it's all because of my situation here.
DO you think there is anything I can do while I am still married to this person?
ANSWER: Seeing a therapist together would be a good first step. If he is unwilling then I suggest you go yourself and get some ideas on what could be helpful in this situation.
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QUESTION: Thanks for the answer, again. But we already have started seeing a therapist both individually (he goes to his own sessions, I go to my own sessions) and also are planning to start our marriage therapy sessions soon. But this all does not change or has not changed the fact that he does not feel sexual for me. That is why I ended up posting here, because I have already tried all the possible solutions, and seem they do not work, or perhaps this is an impossible situation I'm trapped in. We both love eachother a lot, and I am attracted to my husband too, while he is not physically attracted to me equally... I am a smart intelligent girl and in parties both men and women want to socialize with me..so perhaps it's just HIS standards of beauty that I do not match to, since apparenlt all the flat-belleyed porn girls match to it. But anyway our sexual life is almost non-existant, and I feel either I need to start looking for sex elsewhere or I must suppress my natural sexual desires to the point that I would end up either sexually numb, or emotionally crushed, or I should file for a divorce after all this long time of him and I waiting for eachother and taking trips all around the world just to be able to see eachother and despite of our love for eachother. Please let me know if you have any suggestion about this, concerning this explanation.
Thank you in advance.
Answer R,
I can't make the decision for you. I would bring this issue up in the marital therapy and maybe even ask the therapist for a referral to a sex therapist. Your husband has issues that need to be dealt with. Ultimately the choice is going to be up to you to decide what you do. I would give the therapy six months and then you might be in a better place to make a decision.
David
