Question I have got frustrated by the situation I have here: I am 26 years old, Iranian, I met V, a nice loving gentleman through an internet friend 3 years ago. It was my first experience of falling in love with a man... we started chatting on a daily basis, discovered that we had a lot in common... he shared with me almost everything, from the sad stories of his childhood, his depression situation, stories of his past relationships, his passion for music and beauty..during all that time, I acted both as a therapist and a lover..despite all the difficulties, I kept listening to him talking about his relationships with other women, him wanting to hang out with women to help his depression situation, him wanting to be 100% honest with me and not hiding things from me, telling me about the details of his sexual relationships with this and that lady when we both knew we wanted to meet eachother and get married, but he was not financially/emotionally prepared, because he had lost his job and was through all these anxiety/depression episodes too. There were nights I couldn't sleep, I used to cry a lot, feeling emotionally hurt as a woman, at the same time feeling guilty about my feelings, because I wanted V to feel healthy, thus allowing him to keep hanging out with women seemed the best thing to do. I kept praying to God to help V and I with this situation. Finally we met in person last year, and both got enchanted by eachother. He still had the depression/anxiety, but took that LONG trip from US just to meet me. He was so loving, and I got enchanted by him immediately. We decided to get married (we always knew that, though), then he was back, he went through more anxiety episodes, he had sex with another lady and told me about it, I felt so bad, at the same time, he kept telling me that he didn't want to hide things from me, and that he needed sex for feeling a bit better..he had got suicidal several times before and was even hospitalized at one point, so I knew his situation was pretty bad. He kept telling me that if I had been here, he would have never wanted to have sex with other women, and this all happened because he needed intimate human contact and I was away, waiting for all this paperwork to be done for my fiance visa. So..finally..to make a long story short, I arrived here 4 months ago, he was excited and apparently healthy the first few weeks, then he started getting back to anxiety/depression episodes..He was on tons of medication before my arrival, but he had decided to stop taking pills because they had bad side effects on him. So, by the time I was here, he was just on Paxil, then decided to stop taking that. He did this and went through terrible withdrawal effects for 4 weeks. Then he started getting anxiety attacks and it seemed that he was back to the bad situation he always had.
Now, why I'm frustrated...the main reason is despite all his love for me, V has zero interest in having sex with me, and he says it's because of depression, which I understand. Then he says that he watches pornos when I'm away and masturbates instead, and he says it's not my fault at all, and that's how he is. I am a very emotional/passionate woman, and I have all the potential in me to make my sex partner happy. V is the first man of my life, and I had always intended to be a loyal wife to him. That's neither in my culture, nor a personality trait of me to swing in different relationships just to keep myself satisfied. So you can understand how I yearn to stick to him. Yet, practically, I get zero sexual satisfaction from him, all while this is my first intimate relationship with a man, and I love him so much I cannot leave him either, specially after all the difficulties both of us were through and concerning the depression situation he has, and that he is totally prone to commit suicide.
I am a talented person with a lot of energy and sympathy for the people who need me, I am kind-hearted and affectionate, I am creative and smart. I have always been successful and happy..a lot of academic achievements, a nice job back in Iran, and a lot of nice supporting friends here and there. Honestly, this is the first time in my life I feel I'm defeated, because this situation seems to be out of my control and I don't know what to do about it to make it better. I know I could have such a brilliant life if I had a healthy partner who could satisfy the minimum requirements for a married relationship, including a normal sex life. It's funny because I don't even demand that much..generally, I can have an orgasm in 10 minutes with a nice loving partner as V is, and I would be happy and super-energetic for at least the next 3 days after that... super-productive and full of joy. But concerning V's situation I am deprived even of that. I feel a lot of my mental energy goes to V, thinking of ways to improve this situation, and above all, feeling emotionally and sexually frustrated, because he is totally turned off to me. I have had a lot of hard nights when I could not sleep, I got up and went downstairs (I live with my mother-in-law and father-in-law..they are downstairs, we are upstairs..we share the bathroom and the kitchen) I sat somewhere and cried, feeling helpless. This has been repeated more than 30 times in the last 3 months..at one point, I even wanted to commit suicide, which was totally shocking to me getting to that point. I used to be the most optimistic happy person with a lot of positive energy.
I don't know what to do, I just thought perhaps you could have suggestions. Please let me know if you have any advice..anything. I definitely needed to write to you about all this.
Thank you in advance for reading this,
R.
Answer Dear R
It sounds like you are in denial of the fact that you are living with a emotionally challenged person. You fell in love with a fantasy which you built over the internet. God is helping you understand that you have to love yourself first, which means that you need to leave that household ASAP. If that means going back to Iran, go back to Iran. You have to same yourself first. Your fiance is very sick and you are beginning to catch this emotional illness from him. Please leave at once.
