Expert: Azure - 10/23/2007

Question
QUESTION: Ok, I love this gal I met and we hit it off sexually a number of times over this year. She still sees her ex and I caught her the other night. Her friends, mom, and many other don't approver of the relationship. I send her flowers, poetry and confess my love for her...cuz she is really cool when I get time with her.
I am kind of suffering dramaticlly dealing with this and I do love the gal and just want to spend time. She leads me on with events invites me to this and that but I know better than to reliy on her planns.
So, what do I do fuck her move on, keep trying till something better comes along? Love is strong and I do love her and treat her very well, don't know what to do though.
Do I keep chasing it, I mean she lives with her mom and I am single. here is what she says. Sfter I got pissed and left messages on her phone acusing her of being a drama queen....

"hey I'm sorry I was a little buzzed the other night and I hate the life I live, Yes its my choice but sometimes it just seems easier. I know that that doesn't mean much but I have alot to get over. (Grow and learn from) and someday I'll do that I wish it was sooner than later I'm sorry I've just been having a hard time and I'm sorry if I lashed out on you. You are the last person I wanted to lash out on. I guess I just wanted, needed to say I'm Sorry and I really do enjoy the time we get together. And well I'm buzzed again, Probably not the best time to talk. Drama Queen is not the right word for me But till you or I come up with something better

talk to ya later
Drama Queen"


Where do I go from here if I really love the individual??? ?



ANSWER: your love for her has little to do with it, except make the reality harder for you; the fact is she's not ready for the type of emotional commitment that you've already signed up for with her, and may never be; she's even still seein someone else; not the position you want to be in; the advice: lower expectations, meet/date others, communicate less, no outbursts of "feelings"--show her you can do just fine without her; showing weakness will only create more distance; once she sees you're not "waiting", she might reconsider your value, but don't count on it...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well the guy is a known abusier all over town. I hooked  her mother up with my co worker and they hit it off wonderfully. So in some capicty I hear about her everyday cuz he visits her mom and she lives with her mom. I have let go for mounth or so or several weeks only to find her callin me randomly, she will come back when she gets in fights with him. So yeah that works in time but it don't solve the problem.  Also, after sweetest day I got her flowers (which I do) and she tells her ma "I don't get it I am not leading him on" Why say shit like that? or comments in the past, "don't stop seeing me."  We screwed like a week an a half prior.  Whats up with this "I hate the life I live?" Well know she has been hurt physically by this guy and he is not even wanted by her home. So what do I do just quit it completely its a lost cause, seems to be the advise I get. I am having a hard time, not eating and shit, shes got her hooks in me. Here is what I don't understand, her ex is "showing weekness" hounding her all the time and does all the things you tell me not to do. So why is this asshole winning. And if she "really enjoys the time we get with eachother" why not more. She invited me to some party over the weekend. I called contacting her tonight to come up to the club for a few. She turns off her phone completely at times not wanted to be contacted, don't know if that is from me or him cuz I will call from different numbers at times. I should just back off and see what happens? sever ties, and what of the emotional pit I fall into with seeing her out with asshole again which happens, and the futher drama that entails. Sounds like I have to do it though depressing as it sounds. Just wish I could figure out what type of attention she desires.

Answer
there's no point in analyzing what she does or doesn't do--the bottom line is the same..you can easily tell the co-worker you don't want to hear it..and you don't have to take her calls or see her, when she's just using you to moan about him; it's not about the "type of attention she desires"...feelings aren't negotiable, and for whatever reason, she doesn't see you as you see her; so, while there is some pain involved, you don't have alot of choices..refer to the original response, consider it HER loss, REFOCUS on your life...