Expert: Azure - 10/30/2007

Question
I have a 20 year old daughter who has been in a relationship with a young man who is a year younger then her.  They have been in this relationship on and off for 4 years.  They also recently had a baby girl who is now 3 months old.  About 4 years ago we moved to Florida and my daughter did not know anyone until a new boy moved in next door to us with his family.  They were immediately attracted to each other, but we were not sure about them dating.  He was 16 had dropped out of school, and had no job.  We started to notice that he had a hot temper.  He would yell and curse at his parents consistently.  We warned our daughter about being with him, but she said they were falling in love with one another.  As time went on I noticed big changes in my daughter's moods, as well as her apperience.  My daughter is very pretty an had been city queen where we lived and wanted to peruse a career in modeling and then go into the medical field.  Also when she turned 18 she got a trust fund that was set up for her schooling and future due to a car accident that she had been in when she was little.  She got about $35,000 and with in 1 month it was gone.  She did buy herself a car, a dog, and a lap top computer, but the remainder went either to his family or she bought him everything he wanted.  She did start college, but after her first semester dropped out, because he stated that he could not trust her while she was there.  As well she stopped taking care of her health, her personal hygiene, and started drinking and experimenting with drugs.  Well we found out that this boy and his whole family like to party, they drink and do different types of drugs.  Several times during her relationship she would break it off with him and he would threaten to kill himself and basically stalk her.  She got into a really good relationship with a gentleman who was about 3 years older then her.  She started to be happy, smile again and even took care of herself.  We really liked him and he treated her like an angel.  He even put up with the boyfriend causing trouble between them.  Well after awhile the boyfriend got to her again and she broke up with the other guy.  She went back to her old ways and the fighting got worse between us.  She states that he has never hit her, but that he does get very angry and push her around, breaks her stuff and is extremely controlling.  Again we spoke with her and it became a big war between families so we had to ask her to leave and she moved in with their family.  They moved away from the neighborhood, but stayed in the same city and she went with them.  We hardly ever saw her for sometime.  Then around the holidays she started coming around more often, in my heart I knew something was wrong.  After the holidays she asked to speak with us and told us that she was pregnant and that things had gotten very stressful at her boyfriend's family's home and wanted to move back in with us.  We told her she could, but that she had to agree not to see him for awhile and seek help.  We even spoke to the family and they also agreed even though they blamed any problems on her.  Well it did not last long before we found out she was sneaking around to see him.  I noticed her being extremely stressed out and overheard several conversations where he would play mind games with her and state that he did not feel that the baby was his.  She finally got so stressed out that she almost lost the baby and her health deteriated so bad that she was hospitalized for over 2 weeks.  Well she continue to be with him and he was there for the birth of the baby.  She wasn't going to give the baby his last name, but he said that if she didn't that it was because the baby wasn't his.  Also his family worked on her as well to convince her to do it.  The entire family is controlling and they all play mind games with her.  She and I have become very close in the last few months and she confides in me quite a bit now.  She has told me that he has left the baby alone once when watching her, he broke her cell phone, she is giving him money again (since she is back to work and he still does not work), he has bought the baby nothing, and he uses her car while she is at work and does not put gas in it.  She has talked to several of her co-workers who have seen him come around and they also have told her that this is not a good relationship and that she needs to get out now.  She says that she knows this, but she loves him and doesn't know how to leave him.  And she worries about her baby having a relationship with him and his family.  She is also afraid that he may try to run off with the baby, but is as well afraid to tell him that he can't take her for a day.  He also lives within walking distance of her job and she is worried about how to handle this as well if she did leave him.  She has told me that she is so depressed that she hurts everywhere, won't eat, and can't sleep.  Please I am in need of some immediate advise before my daughter's depression gets worse or he does hurt her or the baby. What can I do to help her get out of this relationship for good?

Answer
this has gone on FAR TOO LONG; you can't continue to "enable" her if she continues to see him, and if she continues she might not survive; if i were you i'd contact the social services department in your city, ask for an immediate appointment, you/her go down there, explain the situation; if the daughter refuses to cooperate, i'd discuss a possible "intervention" with the counselor, where you physically take her to a facility that can help; i know this sounds like last resort stuff, but i think that's where you're at, especially if she won't end the communication; if she voluntarily will, perhaps a restraining order could be placed on him--you would need to talk to a lawyer as well..whatever means taken, he needs to be OUT, then a case could be made that he shouldn't even see the baby until he gets counseling..