Expert: Azure - 3/10/2006

Question
this one may seem really strange because im sure that you dont get questions from the abuser too often. but just to let you know the whole situation. first off i meet the love of my life at the absolute wrong time in my life under the wrong cercumstances. first off ive never been with anyone that has been good to me. they have always been decetful put me down cheated on me lied to me. just things like that.ive always been told that i was ugly and that i was horrible in the bedroom and that has given me issues with females.now on to the love of my life. i meet her about 3 weeks after one of the worst breakups that ive ever had.we talked on the phone for a few days (at this point we hadnt actually meet each other yet a friend had given me her number). then after a few days of chatting on the phone we meet and ended up having sex within 5 minutes of meeting each other. we continued a sexual relationship for about a week before we actually started dating.i had some preconcived notions about the type of person that she was because of the things that i had been told about her.about three weeks into the relationship i had to spend ten days in jail and when i got out i found out that a guy that had a thing for her was allowed to stay at my home with her. she had told me that he did but that nothing happened.and i really didnt think much of it at first.then a few days later we ran into him and he was very angry that i was out of jail and thats when i began to wonder if something had happened or not because to the best of my knowledge he had no reason to be angry at here but he was. and throughout the next three years that thought just stayed in my mind. i had an image of them together that was burned into my memory and it was very painful.also throughout the three years that we were together it seemed like her friends came first and i came second. she spent more time with them than she did me.it just made me feel unwanted and like i didnt mean anything to her.on top of that i always felt like her friends didnt like me had something against me and wanted her to leave me beacuse they never included me in there activities and because of the way i look (i am a very insecure person). and with the situation being like that everything would be fine between us for a few months then every couple of months id just start getting really angry at her and throw accusations around about her sleeping with someone else. we would then get into a big arguement and not everytime but sometimes i would just get so angry that i would put my hands on her and by the time i realized what i was doing it was too late. its almost like it happened so fast that i didnt realize what i was doing. i never actually beat her bad or anything like that. and im not making excuses for my actions because abuse is abuse no matter how miniscule or severe. it should never happen for any reason at all. there is no expaination for it. after it happened everytime id just start crying because i realized what i was doing and it hurt me severlly because i was hurting the one person that i love the most. and i would always promise myself that i wouldnt do it again but it always ended up happening again. and i really am not trying to downplay what i have done.this actually hapened an estimated 5 times throughout the three years.she is the only female that i have ever put my hands on.thankfully the last time that it happened i told her that i would never do it again and i havent.that last agruement we had was because the guy that had stayed at my house started calling her again and trying to get her to got out with him somewhere so it was only the two of them and she told him she had to work which she did but i was also standing there and i had a feeling that she was only saying that because i was standing there and we had a big arguement about that and i started acussing her of doing thiongs with him.to make a long story short we ended up breaking up (she left me) but i didnt put my hands on her that time.i threatened suicide to see if she even cared (i was desparete) she was all that i had.she cried but was unwilling to give another chance even if i got help because she didnt think i would ever change. i have since gone through a baters course, gone through anger management and begun thinking more clearly before i act and talking about things when the upset me (before i would just hold everything in out of fear of losing her until i had an emense amount of anger built up). we talk from time to time without argueing. i feel like i have changed and that i am a different person but she is unsure.im just wondering what i should do to let her know that im not the same? if it would be best for her if i didnt even try? what is best for me doesnt really matter i just want whats best for her.she says that she doesnt see us getting back together because of how i was. but there is so much love there that i refuse to find someone else i feel if i did i would be betraying her. as far as my issues ive dealt with them but the pain is still there just like we broke up yeasterday. ive since found out that she never cheated on. she says that she will always have love for me but that she isnt in love with me anymore which is totally understandable.i dont blame her at all. all of the blame is on me and what happened is something that i will never forgive myself for (i made the worst mistake i could have ever made). shes the only one who ever cared and i treated her like crap. im just wondering what i should do? i mean i will always want to be with her and if i spend the rest of mylife single and never get her back then thats just a chance that im willing to take (if it dont happen then thats just what i deserve that would be my punishment). also a little info on my home life i was in a very unloving family growing up i was always pushed aside because my sisters had a differnt father than i do my dad was never there. any help that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

             thank you.

             sincerly,
              jeremy

Answer
if you're truly concerned about HER happiness, you'll let her go peacefully; even if you HAVE changed (hard to say until you were back in the same situation), her memories would haunt the relationship FOREVER; you can't expect anyone to live like that; in this world there are MANY you can love; if you've TRULY changed, you won't continue to hang on to this obsessive addiction, and will begin the rest of your life open to new people, goals, growth; if you're gonna spend the rest of your life in depressive regret, much more counseling would appear necessary..