Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 9/5/2006

Question
James,

I have been with my fiance' since March 2006. We were living together since the middle of March. He was married and told me he was getting divorced. He also told me he had been with this woman for 15 years and had been mentally abused. His family, friends and even co-workers co-signed on the fact that this happened to him. I have been trying to help him through this as well as be the woman in his life.  We started having problems in our relationship because he would not stop having so many conversations with his wife. This past Friday he moved out of the house. He tried to do it while I was at work but I caught him. He said his heart and mind were no longer in the house and he was missing his wife. I did not create the love we had and his family and friends all saw the positive change in him since we were together. He could finally let his hair down so to speak. I spoke with him today and he started blaming himself for all the stuff that went wrong in there relationship. But he really was not the blame. He said she would get very jealous and even violent in public at times when she thought he was looking at someone else. Bottom line James I love Terrance and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But how can I get him to see he deserves better and what happened was not all his fault. He has left her 5 times and went back 5 times. Please help me t help him.

Answer
Dear Dawn

I expect that he will go get another dose of abuse and then come running back to you. Some people who were brought up in abusive families grow up thinking that is the way life should be. When they get into abusive relationships, that feels normal to them. When they find a healthy relationship, that feels very uncomfortable to them. So they bounce between the two never finding what they want, which is really to feel safe. If you want to help him, ask him what is going to be different this time from the last 5 failures? The definition of insanity is repeating behavior and expecting different results. Otherwise you will just have to let him go and when he returns you need to set some healthy boundaries with him or just tell him no thanks. This will drive you to a nervous breakdown.

Good luck