Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 12/28/2006

Question
Thanks for responding - and I understand what you are saying - but the thing is - I don't know what causes me to do these things!  My childhood was fine - I've messed up royally as a result of drinking...and yes, addiction has always been an issue.  I tried therapy - I didn't get much out of that.  But right now, I guess I was wondering if you could help me answer the specific question about the guy who was verbally abusive to me.  We are talking on the phone/emailing - and everything seems as it could be great.  But then again, I think, "Well, we've said this before."  And I'm not getting any younger (I'm 25 - he's 27), and I'm not too sure this relationship will go anywhere, and I just want to scream!  And I agree with your comment about how emotions, when in an active addiction, are all over the board.  But it's almost like, when my emotions are not all over the board, I feel almost bored or restless or something along those lines.  I feel like sometimes I invite conflict in and when things are too smooth, I run away and unintentionally find more conflict - either by making it within the current situation or finding it somewhere else.  I am never content.  Ever.  I like rollercoasters and ups and downs (that, in fact, was my childhood) - Could that be why I am like this now?  I mean, childhood abuse was never there - but inconsistencies and changes were ALWAYS there.  I know you think there is a deeper thing here, that is more important than just this guy I can't decide to go back to or not, and maybe there is - but what about the guy?  I almost know it couldn't work - my family isn't too fond f him anymore, neither are my friends, but I am.  For some reason, I always root for the underdogs and want them to succeed and give them second chances...and maybe it's because I feel like one.  But still, point blank I guess:  Is it worth it to give this guy another shot, at the risk of loosing one of my very dear friends who loves me like no other, but I'm not that "intruiged" by?  The other guy will no longer talk to me if I do this.  He is the "safe choice."  Matt is not.  But why am I so intruiged?  Any thoughts?  Thanks again!  You're previous advice will definitely start my wheels turning.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
So, I'll try to keep this short.  I was in a verbally abusive relationship- I am an addictive person - alcohol, cigarettes - addicted.  But I'm functional.  Great job, great money - usually great relationships...but this is the kicker.  I always try - that's the thing - with the alcohol thing, though it's a constant fight, I'm on and off with "being good" and "being bad."  Anyway, I was in this relationship for 9 months with this guy that was so different than anyone I ever dated.  I've dated the 'rockstar' - the 'intellect' - the 'blue-collar guy' - and this guy was kind of all of it wrapped up into one...smart, funny as hell, yet not as cute or as tall or whatever - than what I am used to - but the chemistry - amazing.  So, we date and date and date - and eventually, I realized that nothing I did was right in his eyes.  Whether it be the way I clean the table, the way I close the bag of dorritos, the way I talk, the fact that I bite my nails, I'm too emotional, I'm too sensitive, I take things too seriously, I don't know how to loosen up, I don't know how to let go, I don't know how to have fun...all this and more - was constantly said to me - while all I did was try to make him happy and to love him...we both have/had issues - my problem, when I did drink, I drank too much and he hated that.  But his badgering of everything said above was constant.  So, I broke up with him after alot of 'getting back togethers' and 'breaking ups.'  ---All in only 8-9 months!  So, now, a month after, he's emailing me and telling and promising me all these fantastic things - everything I ever wanted to hear from him - how he finally realized everything, how he does love me (e never said that and I did), how he wants to make me his world, etc...I know this sonds corny and I know realistically, people don't change in a month...he said he'd go to counciling...but then again, I don't really believe he will.  I just can't stop thinking of him and how we would be if everything he is saying at the present time are actual facts.  It's like, everything I ever yearned for from him is coming out now---do I believe this?  Am I being the classic abusive girlfriend?  I can expand more if you'd like - I'm just at a loss and dont' even know if you are going to respond, so I'll stop writing now - but basically, my question is - what do i do?  If he was to STOP talking/emailing/texting/calling - I would be ok.  But truly, I miss him.  I want badly to trust him and his self proclaimed transformation...but do I?  And it's not even because I"m lonely - because I have this guy I used to date (and love dearly) n my life who is EVERYTHING i ever wanted...yes this guy is sticking with me - it was fun when it was fun...it was great when it was great...but when it was bad, it was bad.  nothng ever physical...but verbal - YES.  Any advice?  Please.  Thanks! =)
-----Answer-----
Dear Niki

I believe that the operative word here is "addictive". The classic definition of addiction is engaging in behavior which we know will have negative consequences over and over again. We can be addicted to mind and mood altering substances and people. It sounds like you may be addicted to this guy. Someone who always ends up making you feel bad about yourself. The only way to be truly happy is to stop the addictions, which you can do, either with therapy or a 12 step program. The second thing I want to tell you is that when you are in active addiction, your emotions are all over the map. Everything seems to be intensified, the greats are "really great" and the misery is excruciating. That is the nature of the disease of addiction. The real question you need to ask yourself is what is it that you are trying to numb yourself from? Childhood physical, emotional, and sexual abuse? When you can deal with that answer, you will no longer need drugs and men to distract you.

Answer
Dear Niki

What you describe is an addiction to chaos. I know it well, as I finally realized I had the same addiction several years ago. If the stuff wasn't hitting the fan, I was bored. It is based upon our relationship with our parents very early in life, where they would not pay attention to us if we were quiet and behaving. To get attention, we found that if we screamed or misbehaved, we would get it rather quickly, and we felt better even if it was a scolding. So we are hooked into a pattern that we would rather misbehave and get attention than behave and feel bored and lonely. It is a great lesson, and it has to do with learning to love ourselves and being okay with no attention.