AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer questions directly related to your challenging relationships. I will give you a straight forward answer to what I think the problem is.
Experience I have the experience needed to help you sort out how to work through your relationship. I meet weekly with people who have challenging relationships so let me help you!
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Question i'll try to give you a synopsis of everything i feel that has gone wrong, and some facts to go along with each. I've been dating this guy for about 10 months now. I didn't know him for very long before dating, but he was one of my older sister's good friends. he is in the marine corps right now and he is based in north carolina, and i live in florida. he originally lived in the city i live in, so he comes to visit often.
I'm 17 and he's 19. I feel as though we are BOTH too young for anything too serious. And i enjoy living in the moment, and i love him very much, but he doesn't seem to understand where i'm coming from. although we are only 2 years apart in age, he feels as though i'm too immature because i don't feel comfortable speaking about marriage. he is very ambitious about where he would like our relationship to go. This is one of the problems we have. I feel like he's rushing things, and i would just like to take the time to get to know eachother more before we even think about moving in together. like i said he's only 19 and i am ONLY 17. We have so many unresolved situations, that i am afraid that if we do decide to live together, I'll be stuck in a predicament that I wouldn't be able to handle.
Another problem i have is the fact that he is a very VERY jealous person. I'm sure this is rooted from his trust issue. He CAN'T trust me. it seems like he is incapable of that. Even having a normal conversation with the opposite sex is hard for him to deal with. He has even openly said that when i get a new job it'll be hard for him to cope because he knows that men will be there. It is obvious already that it is unhealthy. I don't understand why he would have such issues against me, other than the fact that i'm female. He always speaks about women in demeaning ways, and calls them 'whores'. I'm not quite sure about his past, but i know that he has had one other serious relationship with another girl for 4 years, and she cheated on him. I'm sure his issues sprout from that, but i'm not the one that jaded him, and i've been patient long enough, i can't be any more understanding if he won't explain anything. He is even disrespectful to his mother. He has no problem cursing at her, and i'm shocked that he would go that far with her. He yells at me a lot. he doesnt just yell but he also uses obscene language. he says so many degrading and vulgar things to me. it seems like we can't go a day without arguing. He calls me a whore among other horrible things that i would never say to anyone, and it seems like he's always interrogating me about where i've, who i talk to, or even who i see. It doesn't matter what i say, because he never believe me anyway. obviously, the distance between us is horrible, but to add the yelling and criticizing to it, IT JUST MAKES THINGS WORSE. I've tried telling him to please stop, that it hurts me emotionally and stresses me out. It never seems to have much effect.
I've asked him about past relationships and it seems like the closer he feels to someone the more he has to be in control. i understand this, and i try to sympathise with him, but nothing is working. I keep telling him that i will never cheat on him, that i care for him deeply, but he NEVER believes. I know he cares about me, he always has the best intentions, but he doesn't know how to control his anger. When he tells me he loves me, i believe it whole heartedly, but i don't know how to get through to him that i can't stand how he treats me, that yelling, cursing, demanding, and even ordering certain things to be done is in now way helping this relationship. When he says sorry, i believe he means it. But he always speaks in the moment. I'm not so sure that he will remember what he has said to me the next time something ticks him off. I'm also afraid that this could turn into a physically abusive relationship. He says things like "i swear to god if you cheat on me i'll kill you" or "i'll kick the sh*t out of you", but then he'll say he was kidding. I care for him so much and i feel like i can't leave because i'm so attatched. Because I have so much faith in him, and i hope he'll change. I'm frankly losing my mind, because i know for sure, that if one of my girl friends had a problem like this with a guy i would tell her to absolutely positively leave him, but i can't.
He is not only disrespectful to me but he mocks my family. he's caucasian and i come from an asian-hispanic ethnicity. ofcourse we are different people, with different cultures, so there will be different beliefs. he mocks my family, my religion (not that its out of the ordinary, i am a christian... he says he believes in God but he's not a christian) and the way my parents have raised me. I am a girl, my parent's youngest daughter, ofcourse they will see an issue with a 19 year old guy wanting to take me places alone. i just feel if he can't stand the pressures of my family, he will never be able to cope with the pressures of sharing a life with me. He won't even trust me enough to allow me to visit my sister in california. Some things have happend in her past, and she cheated on her husband, but her husband took her back. My boyfriend uses this as an excuse to keep me from going, he also uses the excuse that i'm 'stupid' and 'too crazy' to make any right decisions. He says thats why we're dating, so he can show me whats right because i don't know better. I am not his property, but an individual with integrity. I am sure i can make my own decisions if he would allow me to, but i don't know how to get my point across to him without having him lose his temper.
I'm usually a quiet person, i dont like arguing because my parents used to argue alot, and unfortunately my mother was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship. It seems as though my sister has followed in her foot steps so i'm taking extra steps not to fall into that catagory. I know he is treating me badly, and i know that arguing like this isn't going to work out well in the future, especially if we live together and eventually get married. It just scares me that i can't get away. because i know its wrong but i feel like if i leave it'll be exactly what he expected from me to begin with. i'll just be like every other girl he's met that leaves. I've told him that i feel like we should break up because i'm not happy, that i love him greatly but he's not treating me well. He always ends up apologizing but its a cycle that'll never end. I just keep fallilng for it. Maybe i'm being to judgemental of him, or maybe i'm just too afraid of the future that i'm using these as excuses. i just dont know if i should leave, or if i should just give him extra time. I'm just afraid that i'm being used. I don't want to have biased feelings towards him because like i said earlier, my parents and even sister have been in abusive relationships. I just don't know how to respond to his demands... i feel like i'm being bent so far i'll soon break. I love him alot, so obviously it's hard to leave him. I just need a clear opinion about what to do. even if it's a few different options, but if you could please help me with a detailed opinion. it would help me greatly.
p.s. I'm sorry this is so long, i just didn't realize how long it was until i finished writing. I hope it is not of inconveniance to you.
God Bless,
Auri.
Answer Auri,
Yikes, why would you stay with him knowing all this scary information? Are you that desperate. This is not a relationship that seems to be destined for great things. I would really encourage you to end it. Love will not get you through the abuse and arguments that seem to be coming if you stay in this relationship. Use your BRAIN and not your feelings and get out now.
David
www.help4life.net
