Expert: David Simonsen - 12/2/2007

Question
Hi David, I have a question for you.

Last summer (2006) I met a guy I really liked. Our relationship started for all the wrong reasons (him falling in love with someone else, being lonely and looking for affection), but it evolved. For the first 4 months everything went really well. He was funny, cute, loving. He would care about me and share stuff with me, in short, he would make me feel loved. We shared cooking, shopping, walks, meditation.

For diverse reasons, he decided to move away, and because I was so crazy about this guy, I decided to leave everything behind and leave with him.

Once we made it to the new city, I have to admit I wasn't very happy there, I didn't like it very much, but I've moved a lot in my life, so I know how to accommodate myself in new situations.

The thing is that I stop feeling loved, and the situation would get worst and worst all the time. He would introduce me to his friends as his "friend" (even though we were living together), he would flirt with other girls in front of me, I wasn't aloud to hold hands with him or hug him in public places, because he felt it was "bad taste" (he wouldn't hug me at home either). We started having really silly fights (like not being meat in the refrigerator or not getting the laundry inside), and he would get really mean in the things he said. He would call me a self-centred and selfish bitch, he would remind me that there are 2 other million women out there, he would tell me we're not compatible in bed and make me feel bad about my sexuality, he would say that I don't help at home (even though at the time, I was the only one working). He would have sex with me and then go sleep on the couch because he said he didn't want to share the same bed with me. He used to tell me I was ruining his life, and being with me wasn't a priority for him.

Because I had some savings, every time he was mad, he would make me give him money or taking him out for dinner (even though, for me, dinning out wasn't a priority at the time)

All this made me really sad, and if I cried, he would tell me I wouldn't get his sympathy that way. He would also push me around, but never hit me.

Now, It's been 6 months that I'm living in Europe. I moved away. I had to. I felt like I needed perspective in my life.

He's working lots. He moved into a bigger and nicer apartment. He seems to be doing well.

The problem is that I can't shake off the feeling that it's my fault. That I ran away. That maybe I should have stay and things would be different. Maybe I didn't give him enough time to him to get settle down to the new situation.
I never meant to do any wrong to him. I just wanted to share love.

Now, is it selfish to want someone you're with to consider you a priority and make plans together? How do I get over him? Was this abuse? How can I show him I changed, and see the mistakes I've made while being with him?

Answer
Tali,
You willingly went into this crazy situation. I would imagine you are more embarrassed that you didn't use your good sense. The fact that you want to go back to him shows that you have some serious issues that you need to take care of. From what you describe this was not a good relationship to be in. Until you can figure out why you left all your stability to go to an unstable situation you should not be dating. Go home to what's familiar and start learning about yourself.
David
www.help4life.net