Expert: Azure - 2/13/2006

Question
Dear azure,

I have been in a committed relationship with a man since I was 17 - I'll soon be turning 32. We have lived together for a large part of that time, owning a house together for almost four years.

Almost from the beginning, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive. He's a very angry, possessive and controlling person, and I'm a very passive, shy person who hates confrontation and who is easily made to feel guilty. Great combination, huh? Well, needless to say, our relationship is extremely complicated.

I have been depressed for most of the time we've been together, sometimes functional, sometimes not.  He is an alcholic.

I was in denial for a while, but realized years ago that I was not happy in the relationship and that I should get out. But I haven't left. Part of it's because I feel responsible for him. He says that I'm the only good thing in his life, that he loves me so much, and even threatened suicide a couple of times. I really don't want to hurt him.

I really need to leave, but feel frozen in place. I constantly daydream about my life without him, but can't seem to put it into action. It feels like the act of leaving him is like bringing a whole world to an end - it feels almost impossible to me.

I've become a person that I really don't like. I feel weak, and I have angry outbursts with him. I say ugly things that I would never have said before.

He's only come close to being physically abusive one time (he dragged me out a tent by my feet once when he was extremely drunk), but I do feel afraid of him. I'm not sure how he'd react to my leaving.

A friend told me I should just get my stuff together and leave while he's out sometime. But I feel like that's an extremely hurtful way of doing it and that it would be betraying him more than I need to. But I'm  also scared to do it face to face...I'm not sure if he'd let me go.

What can I do? Please help.

Thank you for reading this.

--Paralyzed  

Answer
i agree with the friend; leave him a letter explaining your decision, including the hope that if he cares AT ALL about you, he'll let you go without issue; you can break thru the barriers and begin a new life, or waste more precious time in a prison of quiet desperation..