Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/25/2007

Question
dear james: i have been in a somewhat relationship with a guy for about 2 years now. i don't understand what his problem is or why he does the things he does to me. he is very controlling and extremely jealous of everything. he accuses me of other men every day, get's mad if i talk to my girlfriends ( even accuses me of being gay with my girlfriends), calls me a slut and whore, even sunbathing in my back yard-he says my shorts and top are disgusting and i just want all the men to notice me. i can't take walks in my own neighborhood anymore because he says i just want the men to look at my bottom. i am going to college right now and the other day i had to take a taxi home. i didn't know my boyfriend was watching me in the parking lot and when the taxi pulled up, he drove up and starting calling me a slut and a whore because the taxi driver was a man. also the driver was black too so he starting calling me a nigger loving slut too. everyone was standing around and heard all of this. i was so embrassed, i just got in the taxi but he didn't stop calling me horrible names. he finally just sped off but called my home phone and left a message saying i would rather ride with that black man then him and i had it all planned out, like i can control what taxi driver i get!! he never says he's sorry for the way he acts but says he's the one getting treated bad. he even said he didn't want to see me anymore after the taxi incident. he asked me to marry him about a year ago but i told him no because of the way he treats me. he'll call me up and get mad at me and hang up. i can't have a phone conversation with him because he's always hanging up on me. if i call him back , he won't answer his phone for the rest of the night but he'll show up at my house or school the next day like nothing happened. as i am writing this he is ringing my phone but i don't want to pick up because he'll just hang up on me and i will get upset. everyday of my life he would grill me like a policeofficer on who i talked to, did i talk to any guys at school, did i sit next to a guy in school, i must have a boyfriend there to always be at college, on and on it would go!!! this man is fifty years old-what makes him like that? please help me because i can't take much more. why don't i just tell him to get lost??? thank you so much sheree

Answer
Dear Sheree

Why don't you tell him to get lost? Sounds like a great idea to me. I would have to guess that this guy reminds you of your father whose love you could never get so you try to get it from this guy, who being just like your dad, is incapable of loving you, but that doesn't stop you from hitting your head against the brick wall over and over again. You probably were abused as a child and that is what you think love is...abuse. I can promise you that until you tell this guy to get lost, you will continue to have to suffer his abuse. Good luck.