Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 10/29/2006

Question
I have been engaged to a man for about a year who is an attorney and who has been so giving to me/family since the lost of our home after Hurricane Katrina.  He has replaced furniture,tv's, gifts for my children.  However, one minute he is on top of the world and then the next he is angry at the world.  He holds the items over my head that he has purchased for me and my two boys, if things dont go as he plans.  He will ask for them back and tell me that I will never be able to make it on my own.  I have purchased my own house since Katrina. He lives in an apartment close by.  He hates the fact that my children have active fathers in their lives, which he wants them out of.  So now he saying things to me like I'm white trash (I'm a very good paralegal) I'm a liar, ten things you shouldn't purchase one being a used up wife, crazy, etc.  All I have ever done was show him how much I respect him and even taken in his children to raise so he wouldn't have to be burden as he puts it.  He goes into states of sending 50 text messages a day telling me I'm worthless when i can't get things right... He has said without truly saying that I might be hurt as he is screaming at me.  I work with him at a local law firm and I'm not sure how to break this off without losing my job and him maybe hurting me. Is there any good advise on how to leave this kind of relationship without causing more issues to deal with.  I have been told by his brother that he will most likely watch my every move and then sue me(not sure for what)  I have offered to return everything he has purchased for us as gifts but he will not take them back.  He goes through days of hate and then will text me something like... I would like to pay your house note for a year since I have the money.... after all of his drama and stress he trys to buy his way back in.  After losing all that I have owned by Hurricane Katrina destroying all that we had with 13 feet of water.... I just can't understand how I got myself into this mess.  I truly need to end things with him but I'm not sure how to go about it.  i will have to see him everyday at work and even know he isn't my boss... I'm scared my boss will see this is to much to deal with and fire me.  I can't afford to be jobless right now as jobs are hard to find in New Orleans.  Its as if he as two different personalities one being kind, giving and sweet and the other hateful and controlling of my life.  He acts as if we are married and I'm his and only his.  He told me that if he ever caught me with another man he would kill me.  Since in his mind I'm already his wife and I break this off... I guess i should never date again.  Please give me some advice.  

Answer
Dear Samantha

You need to set some boundaries and tell him if he is going to be critical of you, you do not wish to talk to him outside of work. You have to mean it and seek help from his partners if he does not respect your boundaries. If he attempts to fire you, that would be harassment and he and the firm would be liable for any damages you incur.