Expert: Azure - 8/27/2007

Question
QUESTION: We've been married for 15 years. During the last 12 years, he is always working out in field. He is involved in technical work as a geologist. He comes home every 2 months and stay with us for one week. During those times, I also work in an office and do all household chores. During his 5-day vacation, he spend those days by relaxing. I never question that bec I thought he really needs some time to rest. I really pamper him. But during the past 3 years, he was promoted and become an executive. And I decided to quit my job to take care of my 3 kids who are in grade school. Since his promotion, he comes home regularly. He is a busy man. But I noticed he doesn't share household with me even during Sundays. I take care of everything! At the back of my mind, I am complaining because ours is not the same as with the setup of the neighborhood's couple. Their husbands help their wives. My husband always want to be pampered. He wants his breakfast served to where he is sitting.  He ask me to give his towel when he takes a bath, and his undies, etc. though he knows exactly where to get them. When he takes his medicines, he would ask me to bring him water.His being workaholic even worsened. He wakes up as early as 4AM (he is no longer exercising) and  start working from home, go to the office at 7AM and come home at 6PM, have dinner with us at 7PM, then we would watch TV alone while I still do the chores. When I tell him you are too early for  doing things in your computer, he would say, "JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? DO YOU THINK I'M PLAYING? I AM DOING MY JOB! AND I AM DOING THIS FOR ALL OF YOU!" Really? But I think it's too much! He seems doesn't like to do household chores. I think he often acts busy just to be excuse from it. I even talk to him nicely and said that I need his share in the domestic chores but he didn't say anything. By the way, I also manage a small internet cafe in our town. And this still adds to my heaps of domestic responsibility. We don't have a maid so I do everything. True that he is a good provider and we are living in a comfortable life but IS HE DOING THE RIGHT THING? Does being the main breadwinner be exempt from domestic chores?

ANSWER: he's getting away with this because you're allowing him to; stop waiting on him, informing him that HE'S responsible for such personal needs; however, my feeling is your issues run deeper than this; this sounds more like a practical, space sharing arrangement rather than a marriage; can you really say there is passion, intimacy, care, respect, loving actions, going on here?...if not, it might be time to consider the options...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I admit I am very lenient to him because I want to understand him that he is very busy. I am not the type that asks help from my husband. He got eyes to see what's going on and I presume he sees that sometimes I need help. I want him to realized that I, too, get tired.

I learned from his brother that during his childhood, he was kinda lazy on household chores. He depends on his mother. Her mother pampered him a lot being the eldest.

I was able to brought up the issue with him before and he was apologetic because he realized he neglected his family by being so engrossed with his work. But he can patch things up if he really wants to. I just notice that he would rather pay someone to do that work for him.

Lately, he was trying to go home early but then he just sit there in front of the tv instead of sharing things with me while I'm busy doing my thing in the house.

In our entire relationship, I am always the one initiating the conversation. He seems so tired when coming home because at work he talks a lot the whole day. Between the two of us, I am more passionate and thoughtful. He often forgets important occasions.

All I want from him is for him to reciprocate what I am doing for him. I also want to experience how is it to be pampered by my husband. I am imagining a breakfast in bed just like I often do to him. That he would atleast take some time off from his work to be with me when I am ill. He always tells me he that he loves me so much that is why he is doing his best in his job to get more raise and that is for us. And he just want me to understand him from that point.

Answer
my answer remains the same; he's become complacent, too comfortable, too inconsiderate, and you're obviously not prepared to do anything about it; plus, as i said, i think the issues are deeper, and the passion, intimacy, playfulness, sharing that mark a healthy relationship, are missing here; you're settling for far less than you deserve, and should consider counseling to find out why...