Expert: Azure - 2/18/2005

Question
My girlfriend are high school sweethearts and I am now 23 and she is 24 years old. For several years I have acted in a way in which I am ashamed of myself. I admit that I am a little bit of controlling and possessive of her. I also feel like I am a bit insecure. I feel this way because she is the most gorgeous black girl I have ever laid my eyes on. I feel like she could have anyone else if she wanted to and have had thoughts that she has, but she always tells me she doesn't want anyone else. When I get mad I would yell at her and say things like you fucking bitch and tell her to pack her things and get out, so she ended up leaving for the night while I blowed off some steam. I would regret everything in the morning or when I ended up thinking of what I said. I don't mean to hurt her. She always tells me and has told me to stop or else she really would leave and go stay with her mother in a different state. I never listened and kept doing and saying stupid things. Recently she has decided to live with her mom in Virginia and go to school out there while I stay here in San Diego. She said she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore and wants to have space and time between us. I am afraid to see her go because I think she wants to find somebody else. I love her so much, I can't think of the words to describe it. We have been together too long to end it. I don't want to start over again. I want her to be my wife and mother of my children, she once told me that too, but not lately. Is there anything that I can do to make her realize that we are meant to be. I can't see her with anyone else in the future or being married to someone else or having someone else's baby. I feel sick every single time I think of her having sex with someone else. I have never cheated on her and have been there for her when she needed me. When she was very sick with diabetes, she went down to 70 LBS. from 130 and I was always there by her in the hospital, buying her insulin, and providing for her whenever she needed it. I feel better when I am around her, and I feel like a better man. We usually have a good time together. We laugh, smile, tell jokes, and get into little petty arguments about stupid stuff. Please Help my relationship out. I want and need her in my life. I can't live without her.

Answer
she asked for time/space--give it to her, accepting the things you can't change; my feeling is because of your neediness and insecurity, even now you would continue to exhibit the kind of personality traits that turned her off in the first place; girls like guys that are secure, confident, independent; if you're not that way, figure out how to overcome your weaknesses and GET THAT way (counseling might help)..perhaps if/when she sees you with more self-esteem and not needy/possessive, you might have a chance; until then, you'll continue to have problems with relationships..