Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 7/11/2007

Question
Dear James:

My girlfriend of the past year just broke-up with me about two months ago...I am devastated over the betrayal that I feel by her.  It all started a little over 1 year ago.  I met her through a friend while she was here in NY on vacation.  The two of us crashed into each other in March of 2006 and fell madly in-love (or at least I thought she did)....Let me also start by saying that this was a long distance romance with very very strong definite plans for her to move in with me by the end of September 2006.  After our initial meeting which lasted about 10 days, as she extended her vacation because of me....She went home and our love continued to bloom...We talked and talked on the phone all day, everyday, for hours.  I can even remember having a 17 hour conversation with her at one point.  She came back to see me pretty much right away, sometime in April...It was amazing...That is when she met my brothers, who I presently live with.  Needless to say, it was an amazing time...Everytime she went back home, I will say that I was very sad...I myself had not been in a relationship for about 20 years.  Yes, I had insignifcant others in my life during those 20 years, but not a full blown committed one on one relationship.  As you can imagine, I was ESTATIC to have finally met what I considered my Soulmate (she claimed the same).  Because I had gained so much weight over those 20 years, as I do have my own issues, it seemed to me that I had finally met someone who loved me just for me (she is not overweight).  Funny enough the weight didn't seem to be an issue, as she pretty much attached me sexually during our first encounter (the first 10 days)...She was totally and utterly turned on by me, as I was her.....After her 2nd visit here in April...everything seemed to be fine...I did notice a couple of issues, such as her being a bit of a control freak...but since I had never been with one before...I really wasn't sure.  Besides, I was so in-love that I don't think it would have mattered at that point.  Again in June of 2006...I went to see her in Florida...We had such an amazing time together.  About two days after I came home to New York...Her Mother (only living relative, except for a mentally disabled sister who lived with the mother in the house next door to hers), had a major heart attack and after a long stay in and surgery, she insisted that the mother come live with her, so that she could aide her in getting well, and be able to keep an eye on her.  I knew at that moment, that our plans for her to come live with me in New York (especially so soon as September) were probably not going to happen...But I didn't say anything to her about it, as I just wanted to give her support during this very stressful time that she was going through.  All of a sudden, as some time had passed, the phone calls started to dwindle a bit...Not too much, but just a bit....I also noticed that her becoming moody a little more often and it seemed that my phone calls (calls she never seemed to mind were annoying her).  [By the way...She is a complete pot head....smokes everyday pretty much from the time she awakes until she goes to sleep...she also has a drinking problem...let's just say that her and Grand Marnier do not get along].  In any case...as more time passed...someone that use to be such an amazing communicator with me, was now becoming hostile and hanging up on me....I will admit that I am a very confrontational person by nature...as I do not internalize my feelings...and I did call her often because she began to pull away from...making excuses like...I have to spend more time with my Mother...or....My mother got me into this TV Show, and I want to watch it....At this point we had not seen each other in about 3 months, and I couldn't understand why a TV show would take her attention away from me.  Her mother at this point was on her feet again...able to go to the store or take shower by herself...Her health wasn't great obviously, but she is able to do things for herself...Therefore...I wasn't understanding the need for my girlfriend to lessen our time together...As it was...our phone conversation dwindled from about 10 times a day to maybe 2 times a day...For me...I was still in the same place that we were before her mother had the heart-attack...but she didn't seem to be.  As time went on...I began to ask her questions like...Are you still in-love with me? or Are you unhappy...and she would always blame it on me..saying that I had trust issues...or that I was obsessive and lived in a fantasy world...I took what she said into consideration, and tried to change my behavior...I tried to stop pressuring her about the phone calls...but I began to notice that she started drinking and getting high more and more as time went on....Of course, we finally discussed her NOT moving in with me in September...but rather we discussed me moving to Florida instead...She came to visit me again in September...It was nice, but I could definitely see the change in our relationship....Now she didn't hesitate yelling at me or disrespecting me in any way....Then she would apologize to me the next day, but then two seconds later yell at me again...even if I asked her any question....She wasn't enjoying our conversation anymore....etc...etc....

To make a long story short....She was putting me down every chance she got...Nothing I said was right...nothing I did was right.....She could call me, but I couldn't call her that much....Always restrictions....she began breaking promises...drinking when she promised not to anymore...staying out to 4:00 in the morning...not calling me when she said she would...All this...but she still swore up and down that I was the love of her life...She broke up with me at least once a week every month thereafter.....Until things just got worse and worse...I went to see her in October, and then again in January of 2007...Still claiming that I was the love of her life....she began lying to me more and more....I began calling her obsessively....I couldn't let her go....I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before her mother had the heart attack....I tried not calling, but even when I only called once...It seemed that I was always calling at the wrong time and she would yell at me even then...She broke up with me two months ago...because when she broke a promise to me...I called her that day to confront her and she kept avoiding my calls...so I kept calling because I was hurt and angry and confused and wanted answers....However, instead of acknowledging that she broke yet another promise to me....she broke up with me saying that she couldn't deal with my obsessive behavior anymore and that I needed help....She blames me for all the problems in our relationship....All of them...She has called me a sick bitch, and told me that I make her sick to her stomach....then she apologizes the next day.

I guess I am writing you because I don't know what to feel...Was I in an abusive relationship....Do I have a right to feel victimized here....?...Please help?  I am so hurt yet feel like everything is my fault....

Answer
Dear Anna Marie

If drugs weren't involved, I would simply chalk this one up to "that is why long distance relationships don't work for long". When you add the pot and alcohol to it, reality just goes out the window. I think you fell in love with an image on the other end of the telephone line, not with who she is and was, which is a highly addicted person. You exhibited signs of codependence, which is the attachment you feel which did not allow you to simply say "enough!" Feel grateful she didn't move in with you, it would have reached crisis proportions soon enough. It wasn't your fault and I hope you learned some valuable lessons about addictive people.