Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 3/6/2007

Question
One more question:  How does issues with the mother affect a sexual relationship the way you suggest with ours?  Would you have any articles or anything I could read on it?
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He will touch me, and sometimes during sex as well to help me orgasm, since I can't orgasm I'm on own during sex anymore.  He just doesn't go out of his way to do it.  He won't perform oral sex at all.  He gets defensive when I ask him and says that he just doesn't like the idea of it.  I know he's talked to a friend at work about it before.  He won't really tell me more than that regarding the subject, but then he wonders why I don't give him oral sex more often.  He doesn't come off pushy about it, just casually wonders I suppose. He's a hard person to read sometimes.

I wish there was some way to get him to open up with me more about it.  It's hard with the 2 young children for us to have much alone time for talking at all -- and when there is any alone time he's playing video games.  Thanks again for your help.  I am hoping we can get back into therapy within the next few months.
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Thank you for your fast response.  Yes we are intimate.  Our sex life is pretty active.  There are times when it seems as though he gets selfish about it.  Since we've had children he hasn't performed oral sex on me anymore.  He also rather have me touching him then go out of his way to make me orgasm.  It was different before kids -- but then again we were still getting to know each other.

Thanks again.
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I wasn't sure if this fell into the right category but thought I'd give it a shot.  I think that my husband is addicted to video games.  As soon as he gets home from work he hops on and starts playing.  He plays role-playing games on the computer that take up a ton of time, the type that you never really win, just keep advancing to the next level.  He is interacting socially since he plays with friends that he knows in real life.  

We recently have moved across country so I can see how he likes to keep in touch with friends through this game, but honestly he's been at this same habit for years.  It seems as though his life is built around the game -- ok I will stop to spend a little time with the family, but go back to what I really want to do.  Ok I will change a diaper, now back to the game.  He used to work nights, come home at 3 a.m. and play until 7 a.m., sleep the day away and then go right back to work. I never saw him!  Now that he is on days (only has been for about a month 1/2) I at least see him more and on weekends, but he still rather play his games then do most things.  

I'm wondering if you can offer me any advice.  I don't want to "make him" quit and deprive him of his game-time, but I don't think he should be on there hour after hour while I'm taking care of the kids on my own (a 2 year old and a 4 month old that need a lot of attention).

Also in our relationship, he really tries to make me the "mother" role, which I refuse to play.  Like when I try to wake him up to attend an event.  He groans and acts like a baby and doesn't get up.  I missed my best fried's mother's funeral because I just couldn't get him out of bed.  He also groans and whines when I ask him to do other things -- such as chores around the house, taking the garbage out, etc. I am the oldest in my family and he is the youngest, so it's easy to sometimes fall into that role.  I just wish he'd stop making me treat him like a child and that he could step up and become more responsible in life.  

I think that in some ways my husband was ignored growing up, being the youngest of 4, so his parents had seemed to try to make up for it but coddling him at times.  He was diagnosed w/ A.D.D. so because of it my mother-in-law blamed a lot of his "lazy ways" on it.  Even now she tries telling me that "her son needs exact direction to get things done, like when he was a boy.  Ok put this toy away.  Not put that toy away."  I think she's raised him to only respond to people TELLING him to do, rather than him doing it for himself.  Even then he tries to fight it.

We are a young couple, I am 21 and he is 26.  Any advice you can offer would help us out. We've been in therapy for a few months before but it didn't work out insurance wise to keep on going.  Thank you.

      Bridgette


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Dear Bridgette

This is a time for boundaries. You need to discuss with him reasonable time for playing games, and also his need to fulfill his role as a father and husband. What would you do if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs and behaving like this? You didn't mention anything about sex, do you have an intimate relationship? If he is a momma's boy, he probably isn't fulfilling that need either. You also need to discuss with him the consequences of violating boundaries, such as you going without him to functions he doesn't get up for. There is no reason for you to miss functions just because he is acting like a baby. Eventually the ultimately boundary is whether you want to tolerate this behavior from him in marriage. I think eventually he will force you decide whether to stay or go. You might read Catherine Beatty's book "Codependant No More", about living with someone with addictions.

Good luck
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Dear Bridgett

Have you asked him why he won't give you oral sex or touch you? If so, what did he say?
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Dear Bridgett

Good luck! I think he has some deep underlying issues with his mother that he needs to work out.

Answer
There is lots of information about the affects of incest on men. Emotional incest is as destructive as physical incest, and don't rule out the possibility he was actually abused as a child. Do a google search on the effects of incest and you will find what you need.