Expert: Clyde - 1/3/2008

Question
I've been with my guy for almost 5 yrs.  He is em. and phy abusive.  We share one child, 6 months old.  I can't take it any longer.  He has promised to change again and again, I have made him move out of my house several times only to allow him back when he says he'll change.  Do I leave him for good?  Or do you believe that some will change?  How do I know if he's the one that could change?

Answer
Tiffany,
     Thank you for your question.  I am sorry that you have been in such  situation for so long.  I understand it completely.  I have been on the receiving end and I have been on the perpetrating end.  Both are not fun places to be.

     Alcoholism is a subtle, baffling disease.  It is a sickness just like any other malady that affects our lives and those around us.  Those caught in the throes of the active alcoholism are oblivious to its nature and to the solution or the way out.  There are all sorts of reasons why one stays in the alcoholic behavior but we can't solve that for your boyfriend tonight.  Wish we could.

     You have asked a question, "Can a person change?"  The short answer is "yes" most definitely.  But the key is the longer version and it amounts to whether or not the person wants to change.  If that willingness and desire is not there then the answer is "no."  It sounds as if your boyfriend is not willing nor does he have the desire to change.  We say that he still has some "yets" that have not happened to cause him to wake up to the seriousness of what he is doing to himself, you, and his child.

     This is where the concept of "enabling" comes in and the notion of "tough love." We are enabled in our bad behavior when we do not suffer consequences for them that are sufficient enough to cause us enough pain or fear to see the things about to happen.  That is one reason to suggest you may have to finally put your foot down and tell him to leave for good - that's all!  If he sees that you are not going to back down he might decide to get some help.

      If you decide to do this, you'll need some solid support behind you.  If you'll consider Alanon, a group for persons affected by alcoholics, you'll meet ladies who are where you are right now and some who have survived where you are at.  They will be your life line to keep to your decision.  Who knows, it might convince him to try Alcoholics Anonymous for himself.

      You can not know if he is the one that will change and you certainly do not know how long it would take the change to bear fruit.  Only he knows that answer.

     Hope this helps and write again if I can be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde