Expert: Druideck - 1/27/2008

Question
I started dating a girl from a different town about 8 months ago when I
first started recovery in AA. I was in a very bad situation back home
and she was very supportive of me and what I was doing in recovery. I
decided to move to her town to get away from all of the drama that was
occuring back home and she really helped me get on my feet out here. She
drinks a lot as well.
I thought that a geographic change was enough and started drinking
again when I moved up here 5 months ago. I soon learned that this is a
disease that I take everywhere with me. Shortly therafter she had to call
the cops on me on two different occasions because I got so out of
control when I drank. I didn't hit her or anything like that but I get very
scary when I'm under the influence of alcohol. I've since gone back to
AA and I'm over thirty days sober at the moment. The problem now is that
she is still drinking and doing this right in front of me. I know this
is my problem and I should bear it. I feel miserable when I have to go
over there and see her drinking because I want some. I can't relate
when I'm sober and she isn't. I know this is my problem and not hers. It
seems that all the support I had from her when we first started dating
has gone out the window this time around. Is it wrong of me to ask her
to be more considerate of me after all I've put her through? There are
a few schools of thought on relationships and recovery and I'm feeling
a little confused at the moment.


Answer
Adam,

I know all this seems very confusing but things
do get better with time and sobriety.

I remember having a girl that supported me alot
early in my sobriety. She did me a great favor
but unfortunately we cannot depend
on people to always be there for us, this would
be a heavy load for any one person to bear.

You have to spread your need for support
to as many people as you can, writing here
is a good way to start that process.

Of course it is better to have sober people
around you when trying to quit drinking.
It is hard enough without being in what
AA calls slippery situations.

Alcohol is a very sneaky illness, it will
try to get you back in it's clutches any way
it can. It will use people, anger, fear,
self-pity and all types of tricks to
keep you sick. Watch out for any excuse
that might cause you to take that first drink.

No excuse is an excuse to drink, once you have
made that final decision to stay sober today
for yourself.

I don't know how serious your relationship is
with this girl, but not drinking has to be a priority
if you want to be free and stay alive for the future.

Care enough about yourself to do whatever it takes
to be sober today. Let her live as she chooses
and maybe you will indirectly influence her to
try sobriety too.

You have probably been told in AA to stay out of relationships
in early sobriety. This is partly true as the strain
of romantic relationships is hard to bear when juggling
your thoughts and emotions.
It is important however to have relationships that
are supportive. The craving for alcohol gets far less
in time and it gets easier to be around drinkers
without feeling that terrible urge to repeat the
past. Someday you will not envy the drinkers at all.
Hang in there!