Expert: Druideck - 1/13/2008

Question
I'm divorcing my alcoholic husband of 17 years due to abuse, then dependence on alcohol that developed over the past 10+ years.  Not growing up with or around alcohol I had no clue what it did to people and those around them until my neighbor, who grew up with an alcoholic father, saw all the signs in our marriage and goaded me into learning what codependency was---I finally saw the light!  It was like "BAM" it's not me who's failing...it's him!

He refused to admit he has a problem (career killer) and I just had no will or energy left in me to go with him to his next military assignment (May 2007), so I told him I was leaving him instead.  Being in the legal field made it easy for me to prepare the Marital Separation Agreement, divide up all our furnishings/assets (no debts) and move across the country in hopes of starting a fresh new life, which I've done...or so I thought.

All he's managed to do since I left him is manipulate our children (older one thankfully set boundaries), conspired with my younger one to drive me crazy (which has worked), disparages me constantly in front of our children (17 & 15) and is now trying to make what I thought was a straightforward separation into a messy divorce by hiring an attorney to fight the Petition for Dissolution!  Why is he doing this?  Why can't he just accept I left and move on?  Why does he keep trying to drag me back into his alcoholic world when I no longer want to be around or deal with it?

I tried to ignore him, I tried to reason with him and last month I even threatened to contact his commander -- but to no avail!  All I really want is peace, so my question is, is there anything I can do to diffuse it?  And how do I keep him from trying to make me miserable because he's miserable???

HELP!

Answer
Hi Lynn,

hope things are getting better for you.
I recovered over 22 years ago and know
most of the games alcoholics play (unfortunately)
When an alcoholic is not recovered he is
very much lost in his fog of alcohol thinking.
Alcoholics hate the word "NO" and seek to
manipulate people, places and things to suit
their own vision.
Part of it can be resentment, part of it is fear
and maybe some revenge and jealousy thrown in.
Nice combination of qualities eh?
Alcoholics don't like to lose and live in a world
where denial rules.
It takes them a long time to realize that "NO" means "NO"
This is part of losing someone and/or a family,
it is called "grief" and denial is the first
step in letting go. A long step for a practising drinker.
Once through the denial, we get angry, then making
deals or bargaining begins, if that doesn't work
we get sad, depressed, self pity emerges.
Last thing to come is acceptance of the situation
and moving on with ones life.
People can go back and forth through these
feelings for a long time so try to be civil,
sensible and take care of your own self, children
and make a sane existence for the future.