Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 1/17/2008

Question
I'm at a crossroads.  In July, I married a guy I had dated on and off for 6 years.  I met him when I was 24, he was 28, and over the years we drank recreationally.  About 2 years ago, after I'd been gone for a year, I noticed he was drinking more beer, more often (about a six pack, 4 nights/week).  He always claimed to want to cut back eventually, but always found excuses to keep up the celebration... "just until the wedding" or "until we moved in our new house" or "until after our honeymoon" and  now "until we start a family".  Over the last 7 months, his drinking has increased to a 12 pack of beer about 5-6 nights per week (he now smokes pot almost nightly too).  We were on our honeymoon last week and during the trip we both talked excitedly about the changes we were going to make in our lives...with the #1 priority to really cut back on the drinking and be more productive in our lives.  We've only been back for 2 days, and last night I came home from work and he was well into his 2nd 6 pack and exclaimed "we're still celebrating our honeymoon" and justified yet another week of drinking like this.  His parents are alcoholics (they drink liquor).  He has issues with his dad because of this, his mom didn't start drinking until he was out of the house.  But he doesn't think he is like his dad because he drinks beer and he is what I've read to be a Functional Subtype.  He's never let his drinking effect his successful career and stability.  He drinks alone when he isn't drinking with me.  He prefers to drink at home.  He calls his two alcoholic friends almost every night that he drinks and I think they make him feel like he's okay because they're like that too.  When he gets off the phone with them, he tells me what alcoholics they are and how messy their lives are becoming and aren't I glad I'm with him who isn't nearly as bad as they are (since he doesn't black out or pass out or get angry when he drinks).

It has finally occurred to me that over the last several months I've been drinking with him to mask my uneasiness and unhappiness with our lifestyle and our relationship and now drinking is becoming my problem too.  When I drink with him, I can pretend that we're normal and that drinking is just a fun pastime and that everything is fine.  But the next day, I want it all to be normal and I don't like drinking like this.  I know I want to stop, but at the end of the day I'm afraid that if I'm not drinking and he's drinking too much, I may get aggravated and say hurtful things to him out of frustration.  I don't feel I can have a normal night and feel comfortable in my home if he's drinking like that.  When this does happen, he always finds a way to make me feel bad for not hanging out and partying with him.  Makes me feel like I'm a boring person to want to just be in the  house and read or watch TV. There are the few times while he is on his 10th beer where he admits he wants help and needs to change.  At these times, he even tells me that he needs me to step up and help him to help himself, but I don't know how.  And whenever I confront him when he is sober, he says that he enjoys having a couple of beers and he shouldn't be harassed for that and he doesn't have a problem.  He is the sweetest man and has such a good heart and I think deep down he wants to change.   I've looked into attending Al-Anon meetings.  I need things to change, I just have no idea where to begin!

Answer
Greetings to you, Evonne.

I have been pondering your letter for a couple of days now, and I have heard what you have said:

>> I need things to change, I just have no idea where to begin!

Many years ago, a supervisor once gave me a little cash and sent me to a package store to get a cold twelve-pack so our small crew could sit and have a couple of beers at the end of that workday.  I had not been working at that place for very long, and I later found out that supervisor would do something like that maybe three or four times per year.  His idea was to say “Thank you” to all of us for the work we had done and to simply socialize for an hour or so ... kind of like the occasional “recreational drinking” of your own past.

Being an alcoholic, however, I pulled my whiskey bottle out from under the seat on my way to the liquor store and came back with far more alcohol than had ever been wanted or anticipated ... and that was the last time that supervisor ever welcomed any of us to have a couple of drinks after work.  My style of drinking was completely incompatible with his, I was not about to change mine and he did not want anything to do with it.  In your particular case, however, you are now married to a problem drinker who expects or even demands you go along.

You have written:

>> It has finally occurred to me that over the last several months I've been drinking with him to mask my uneasiness and unhappiness with our lifestyle and our relationship and now drinking is becoming my problem too.

Now might be a good time for you to decide you do not want to drink your life away in order to keep from having to feel its present ugliness.

>> When I drink with him, I can pretend that we're normal and that drinking is just a fun pastime and that everything is fine.
>> But the next day, I want it all to be normal and I don't like drinking like this.

The “normal” you seek and your husband’s perception of “normal” are not the same.  Overall, here are some related thoughts from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“... the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind.  It did not satisfy us [alcoholics] to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives.  These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us.  But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well ...”

“[Alcoholic] men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.  They are restless, irritable and discontented [while sober], unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity ...” (“The Doctor’s Opinion”)

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.  The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.  Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.” (page 30)

“Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic.  Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.
“Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class.  By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. (page 31)

“... the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power.” (page 92)

“Normal drinkers are not so affected, nor can they understand the aberrations of the alcoholic.” (page 140)

“For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination.  It means release from care, boredom and worry.  It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good.  But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking.  The old pleasures were gone.  They were but memories.  Never could we recapture the great moments of the past.  There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it.  There was always one more attempt - and one more failure.” (page 151)

“Painfully aware of being somehow abnormal, the man did not fully realize what it meant to be alcoholic.” (page 155)

You have written:

>> I know I want to stop, but at the end of the day I'm afraid that if I'm not drinking and he's drinking too much, I may get aggravated and say hurtful things to him out of frustration.

As you can hopefully see in some of the above excerpts, your husband drinks differently than you do and that is not ever going to change even though you both drink for the same reason: happiness.

>> I don't feel I can have a normal night and feel comfortable in my home if he's drinking like that.

I well understand, and that is only going to get worse as time goes on.

>> When this does happen, he always finds a way to make me feel bad for not hanging out and partying with him.
>> Makes me feel like I'm a boring person to want to just be in the house and read or watch TV.

Alcoholics do not have normal relationships.  Rather, they take hostages upon which they can impose their own lifestyles.

>> There are the few times while he is on his 10th beer where he admits he wants help and needs to change.

At times like that, he is likely sensing the overall emptiness of life as he is presently living it.  In the end, he actually wants the same kind of “normal” you desire, but he has no idea how to get there and he cannot imagine alcohol not being part of it.

>> At these times, he even tells me that he needs me to step up and help him to help himself, but I don't know how.

Since “self-help” is not part of permanent recovery from chronic alcoholism in the first place, there is really nothing you can do to “help him help himself”.  What you can do, however, is to find out more about alcoholism and recovery so you can eventually try to pass that information along to him.  To that end, you might begin reading “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, and I will help you come to understand its contents:

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

You might begin there with the chapter “To Wives”.

>> And whenever I confront him when he is sober, he says that he enjoys having a couple of beers and he shouldn't be harassed for that and he doesn't have a problem.

If he did not have a problem, the issue would never come up!  But, you should not say that to him.  Rather, one thing you might be able to begin trying to help him see is that you agree he should be able [or ‘allowed’] to enjoy a couple of beers but that his abnormal body chemistry makes that impossible:

“All [alcoholics] have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the [physical] phenomenon of craving.  This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity.  It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated.  The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence.” (from “The Doctor’s Opinion” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book)

And of course, permanent recovery is about making entire abstinence possible.

As best I can understand and explain it, the alcoholic’s inability to drink moderately or “safely” has to do with alcohol actually building, storing and later triggering a certain and highly-addictive alkaloid in the brain during digestion.  Hence, one drink becomes too many and a thousand would never be enough.

>> He is the sweetest man and has such a good heart and I think deep down he wants to change.

Alcoholics often have great potential and they certainly have the same instincts and desires as anyone else.  As a metaphor, chronic alcoholism can help everyone see and understand that commonality as well as the fact that we all nevertheless lack what it takes to empower our lives and manage them successfully:

“If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient ... many of us would have [been living successfully and well-satisfied] long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.” (pages 44-45)

My point there is this:

It is not your husband’s fault that he cannot live either with or without alcohol even though it is up to him to eventually exhibit the humility and desire required to find out about that and to accept what is needed to get over it.  Yes, he may at times “want to change”, but he might not yet be willing to have that truly happen without things first-and-always being on his own terms.

>> I've looked into attending Al-Anon meetings.

At least in theory, Al-Anon is founded upon this:

“... we are sure that our way of life has its advantages for all.”

So, you might find someone at Al-Anon who truly understands, but I cannot say for sure.  Today’s AA, Al-Anon and every other “twelve-step program” are usually light years away from the original A.A. experience.

Going back to some things you have written earlier in your letter, I would offer these additional insights and comments ...

You have written:

>> About 2 years ago ... I noticed he was drinking more beer ...

What you can see there is his growing “physical allergy” that slowly demands he drink more whenever he drinks.

>> He always claimed to want to cut back eventually ...

He does not want to live as a drunk ...

>> ... but always found excuses to keep up the celebration...

That is one of the delusional aberrations of the alcoholic mind.

>> Over the last 7 months, his drinking has increased to a 12 pack of beer about 5-6 nights per week (he now smokes pot almost nightly too).

The pot is about trying to get something at least similar to the effect he gets from alcohol without always ending up quite as drunk.

>> His parents are alcoholics (they drink liquor).  He has issues with his dad because of this ...  But he doesn't think he is like his dad because he drinks beer ...

Whether in the form of beer, wine, hard liquor or whatever else, a typical drink has an ounce of alcohol.

>> ... and he is what I've read to be a Functional Subtype.

“... there are types [of alcoholics] entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them.  They are often able, intelligent, friendly people.” (“The Doctor’s Opinion)

>> He calls his two alcoholic friends almost every night that he drinks and I think they make him feel like he's okay because they're like that too.

You are quite likely correct there.

>> When he gets off the phone with them, he tells me what alcoholics they are and how messy their lives are becoming and aren't I glad I'm with him who isn't nearly as bad as they are (since he doesn't black out or pass out or get angry when he drinks).

Those differences are merely “alcoholic yets” for him, and they will eventually blindside him:

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life.  He is very much the actor.  To the outer world he presents his stage character.  This is the one he likes his fellows to see.  He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart [or will eventually come to see] he doesn't deserve it.
“The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees.  Coming to his senses [when sober], he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers [or cannot recall at all because of ‘alcohol-induced amnesia’ (blackout)].  These memories [or instances] are a nightmare.  He trembles to think someone might have observed him.  As fast as he can, he pushes these memories [and fears] far inside himself.  He hopes they will never see the light of day.  He is under constant fear and tension - that makes for more drinking.” (page 73)

Please know you are always welcomed to write again and that I will do anything I can to help.

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com