Expert: Clyde - 1/17/2008

Question
I'm at a crossroads.  In July, I married a guy I had dated on and off for 6 years.  I met him when I was 24, he was 28, and over the years we drank recreationally.  About 2 years ago, after I'd been gone for a year, I noticed he was drinking more beer, more often (about a six pack, 4 nights/week).  He always claimed to want to cut back eventually, but always found excuses to keep up the celebration... "just until the wedding" or "until we moved in our new house" or "until after our honeymoon" and  now "until we start a family".  Over the last 7 months, his drinking has increased to a 12 pack of beer about 5-6 nights per week (he now smokes pot almost nightly too).  We were on our honeymoon last week and during the trip we both talked excitedly about the changes we were going to make in our lives...with the #1 priority to really cut back on the drinking and be more productive in our lives.  We've only been back for 2 days, and last night I came home from work and he was well into his 2nd 6 pack and exclaimed "we're still celebrating our honeymoon" and justified yet another week of drinking like this.  His parents are alcoholics (they drink liquor).  He has issues with his dad because of this, his mom didn't start drinking until he was out of the house.  But he doesn't think he is like his dad because he drinks beer and he is what I've read to be a Functional Subtype.  He's never let his drinking effect his successful career and stability.  He drinks alone when he isn't drinking with me.  He prefers to drink at home.  He calls his two alcoholic friends almost every night that he drinks and I think they make him feel like he's okay because they're like that too.  When he gets off the phone with them, he tells me what alcoholics they are and how messy their lives are becoming and aren't I glad I'm with him who isn't nearly as bad as they are (since he doesn't black out or pass out or get angry when he drinks).

It has finally occurred to me that over the last several months I've been drinking with him to mask my uneasiness and unhappiness with our lifestyle and our relationship and now drinking is becoming my problem too.  When I drink with him, I can pretend that we're normal and that drinking is just a fun pastime and that everything is fine.  But the next day, I want it all to be normal and I don't like drinking like this.  I know I want to stop, but at the end of the day I'm afraid that if I'm not drinking and he's drinking too much, I may get aggravated and say hurtful things to him out of frustration.  I don't feel I can have a normal night and feel comfortable in my home if he's drinking like that.  When this does happen, he always finds a way to make me feel bad for not hanging out and partying with him.  Makes me feel like I'm a boring person to want to just be in the  house and read or watch TV. There are the few times while he is on his 10th beer where he admits he wants help and needs to change.  At these times, he even tells me that he needs me to step up and help him to help himself, but I don't know how.  And whenever I confront him when he is sober, he says that he enjoys having a couple of beers and he shouldn't be harassed for that and he doesn't have a problem.  He is the sweetest man and has such a good heart and I think deep down he wants to change.   I've looked into attending Al-Anon meetings.  I need things to change, I just have no idea where to begin!

Answer
Leah,
     Thank you for your story.  I can empathize with you and I can empathize with him - I was HIM!.  After I sobered up through the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I began to understand the other side of alcoholism - the hurting spouses, families, and friends.

     You are probably not too far off on your observations (i.e. positioning around drinkers to feel "OK", celebrating for almost any reason, enjoying "a couple of beers" and having 12, not going to be like our parents in their alcoholic drinking, drinking only "beer" because that is not alcoholic drinking, etc.)  These are all classic signs of an alcoholic spiral into deep alcoholism.  

      The one saving grace here is his recognition that he wants to change and when "in his cups" resolving to do something about it.  That is good.  It signals some hope.

      What must happen here is his getting willing to at least explore alcoholism and to get some information from Alcoholics Anonymous on the disease. It is a disease, it is not a moral issue, and once someone comes to realize that there may be a glimmer of light to make the tough decisions to get sober.  That begins a tremendously invigorating journey.  I hope he finds it.  You can get pamphlets from your local AA Central Office (look in the white or yellow pages under Alcoholics Anonymous or go on line for the nearest office.)  These will introduce him to the facts about alcohol.

     Indeed, I suggest that you begin attending Al-Anon soon - even today.  When you call your central office, find out where a meeting is being held and get there.  They will have information for you and your husband.  It will also give you a source of support from women who are in the same situation but know they want to do something about it.

      Let me know if I can be of any further help and I will put you two in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde