Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 1/31/2008

Question
My partner got into AA and is 6 mos. sober.  Her focus is totally on her self as I know it should be.  I am feeling like I lost my sweetheart and am having a difficult time adjusting.
Am wondering if I should break up.  I'm so glad she's sober and working her program, but there seems to be no place for me in her life now as her sweetie.  Any suggestions are appreciated.

Answer
Hi Julia,
Your reactions are those of almost any person who loves an alcoholic in early recovery, and are very normal. It's the nature of alcoholism and early recovery that the alcoholic tends to be very self-absorbed and focused almost exclusively on herself, her meetings, even her AA friends, and not to be paying a whole lot of attention to her partner, you. I suggest patience and that you think about attending Al-Anon meetings, the 12 Step meetings for persons in a relationship with an alcoholic, to get support for yourself and help in learning not to take some of these early behaviors too personally. Often, there are Al-Anon meetings that are held at the same time and in the same location (different rooms of course) as AA meetings. It may help both of you to feel you are on a recovery journey together by going to meetings together and then being able to have a common language of recovery. So, hang in there with your partner and try out these ideas. I work with persons in your situation a lot in my private online practice and find that the suggestions I have made here can be helpful.